


12:30

by toyduck



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Explicit Language, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Lemon, Mild Drama, Reader-Insert, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Teasing, Violence, because titans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-26 04:40:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 26,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2638448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toyduck/pseuds/toyduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're an extremely talented squad leader in the Scouting Legion, some even saying that you might match Levi in his mastery of the 3DMG. Yet, despite your best efforts, you've lost many close friends and comrades. With Eren's emergence as a titan, you're both confused and hopeful, for once believing that you might survive this war of attrition. However, the continued losses and deaths chip away at your fading optimism and hope in a future for humans. Yet, unwilling to give up on that hope, you find comfort in the form of the least comforting person you know.</p><p>Follows a part of the progression of the manga/anime, so there will be spoilers! I'm not quite sure how much of the plot progression I'll include, so to be safe if you haven't watched to the end of the first season of Attack on Titan (the anime)/up to chapter 51 of the manga, there will be spoilers!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning

Heart pounding, you looked out from the stage. Your stance was typical of someone in the military. Body posture straight, without a single part out of place, and your hands crossed behind your back. Your face was a blank save for the serious and determined expression. If anything, you were the picture perfect image of what people should aspire to be. Yet, behind the façade, your mind was racing a mile a minute with memories. As Erwin made the same passionate speech he made every year, you thought back to when you were young, standing in the crowd. You were scared, angry, frustrated, confused. Feelings of betrayal tore through your mind as members of your class left you standing there in front of the Survey Corps, while your body refused to turn and follow them. Sometimes you wondered how drastically different your life would have been if you had just joined the military police and called it a day.

You were top of your class. Maybe not the top person, but you were damn good. Your mastery over the 3DMG was legendary within the trainees, though the instructors marked you off for poor teamwork. Yet, for all it was worth, you had no aspirations or goals. From the Karanese District, an offshoot of Wall Rose, you had a normal life before deciding to join the military. No one in your family was in the military, but neither were they impoverished. As shopkeepers, they had a steady income and provided for you and your sister easily. It was a surprise to everyone when you decided to enlist. Throughout your time training, no one could figure out what you were doing there. You couldn’t either. You just knew that this was the path that you had to take. It was a gut feeling.

It was probably more of a blow to the people that knew you, and yourself as well, when you chose to go with the Survey Corps. When you joined the military, there hadn’t been a titan breach of the wall for years. Of all the branches, the Survey Corps was the most reckless and waste-of-space division. It was like you had a death wish, and maybe you did. Or maybe you were growing up.

“(F/N)?” You snapped your head up when Erwin softly called to you. Focusing on the present, you noticed that there were still a few people left.

“Are these the new recruits? That’s more than last year at least.” You gave a wry smile as you looked at the 104th Trainees Squad. “I wonder how many of Eren’s friends decided to join us.”

* * *

Sighing, you settled in your room. It was larger than the typical room, but then again you were a squad leader. Not to mention, you had been with the Survey Corps for awhile. If you weren't upgraded to a bigger room, you would probably have raised hell about it. Paperwork was arranged neatly on your desk, separated by due dates, and a steaming cup of tea waited for you. There was a knock on the door before it was slammed open. Looking up wearily, you found yourself face to face with Hanji, the resident mad scientist and expert on titans.

“Hanji, what is it this time?” You sounded exasperated, as usual when you were around her, but Hanji always seemed to know that you didn't mind having her around. 

“Well I missed you too (F/N). Anyways, how are the new recruits?” Hanji had taken a seat on your desk, pushing your paperwork to the ground and several pens as well.

“There’s a perfectly good chair in front of you, you know?” Your “advice” was ignored. “Well, I guess they seem competent. I’ll probably know more when some of them get assigned to my squad.”

During one of the recent expeditions, a horde of titans had wiped out your entire team. You had tried to kill them as fast as you could, but by then it was too late. To say that it was unfair was an understatement, yet it was the reality of being in the Survey Corps.

“Has it gotten any better?” It was difficult to picture Hanji as a serious sort of person, but there were times when she was the only person you could rely on.

“Honestly? No. What kind of squad leader lets her squad die?” You were never ok with people dying, but you had accepted it as your job. When you pit giant titans against very small humans, death was a certain result. This one, however, nearly destroyed your confidence in your ability to lead. There were nights you didn’t sleep, replaying the entire sequence of events in your mind, hearing your squad screaming out for your help. If you had looked back sooner, if the horde had attacked you instead of the rear of the squad, if you were a better soldier. If all these things had happened, your squad would have lived.

“(F/N)…” You shook your head though, determined to not let the disappointment in yourself show. “It’s fine Hanji. **I’m** fine.” You weren’t fine. You weren’t fine enough that even Levi asked if you were alright. Levi of all people.

“Anyways, shoo. I need to finish paperwork.” You gave her a big smile to show her you were alright before pushing her off the desk. And then pushing her across the room. And then pushing her out the door with threats of throwing paperweights at her if she didn’t leave you alone.

Settling back in the silence of your room, you played with the pen in your hand, tapping it loudly on your desk. A few words were written before you gave up. Tying up your hair in a bun, straightening the blouse you always wore under your jacket, you headed outside to get some fresh air. At least you'd be too cold to fall asleep, and when you didn't sleep, you couldn't see the people you failed to protect. Would their deaths be worth it in the end?

"(F/N)? You shouldn't be out here so late."

Startled, you turn around.

Erwin’s face gently smiled down at you. You didn’t know why you were so jumpy. It wasn’t as if a titan was going to ask that question politely before killing you.

“I was just getting fresh air. I’ve been doing paperwork all evening, and I still have a month left to catch up on.” Sighing, you gave him a small smile as he went to stand next to you. 

“Are you alright (F/N)?” You started chuckling, restraining yourself from laughing fully.

“Is it really that obvious? Even Levi asked me, and you know that we barely talk.” You kept your gaze straight though, not looking your commander in the eye.

“The first time I lost someone under my command, I thought that it would get easier.” Erwin’s voice rumbled as his mind was lost in thought. “But it gets harder. As a commander, I’m responsible for every single person’s death.” He looked down towards you, a hand on your shoulder. You looked up in his bright blue eyes. Erwin had always been patient and understanding with you. Although his plans and motivations scared you half the time, it was hard to ignore the way he had with words.

“I still hear them screaming for me.” You abruptly turn around back to the point that you were staring at. “Does that ever stop?” Even the good dreams you had at night suddenly turn dark as the scene invaded your peace. And every time, you failed to reach them in time and watch them get killed one by one.

There was a comfortable silence between the two of you as the words sank into the space between you and Erwin. His hand was still on your shoulder, pulsating with warmth. Sometimes you expected him to be ice cold. It wasn’t that Erwin was a terrible person, but he was always willing to sacrifice someone to further his plans. Even though every member of the Survey Corps was willing to lay their life down, it seemed as though life was an easy commodity for him. In moments like this, you felt comforted that he was at least human.

“The moment they stop you need to start worrying about yourself. That’s when you lose all motivation.” The night air started to chill you through your clothes.

“But don’t you hate me? For being incompetent? I should have been able to save them all.” Your lips mouthed their names. Mia. Belus. Zoldan. Ilia.

You could feel his hand squeezing your shoulder gently. “Even the best of us lose those we think we can protect.” You turned your head to look at him, wondering who he meant. You knew he wasn’t talking about himself. There was just something in his tone. A tinge of regret, guilt?

“But I ramble. You should head back inside (F/N). It wouldn’t do if you were sick. Then there would be no one to get the new recruits back into shape.” You both laughed at the comment. “I’m sure you’re mistaking me for Levi.” 

* * *

Stopping by the kitchen to quickly get another cup of tea to help you sleep, you didn’t realize that someone was already there. Mumbling to yourself the name of the flavor you were looking for, the sound of someone slurping stopped you in your track. Turning around, you met the half-lidded grey eyes of the Humanity’s Strongest. Again, you had no idea why you were so jumpy.

“Levi.”

“(F/N).”

You turned around again, fumbling around for a tea packet. It wasn’t that you hated Levi. It was hard to hate someone you entrusted your life too. However, the two of you barely talked. You found him difficult to approach, although it wasn’t like you ever wanted to. The two of you rarely got along, since he usually found your ideas “too naïve” and “shitty like the brat you are.” Sometimes you would intentionally creep into his room and mess things up just to stick it to the man. He of course knew it was you.

“I wasn’t aware that tea making required making a racket at 12:30 in the morning.” His monotonous voice cut through the air, causing you to drop what you were holding.

“Well it’s a new tea art form where you try to not relax. It’s all the rage in Sina.” Voice dripping with sarcasm, you straightened up your mess and grabbed another cup. Waiting for the water to boil, you leaned against the counter, facing him. It carried on like this for awhile. The both of you stared at one another with Levi occasionally drinking out of his cup. It was as if the water couldn’t boil any slower.

“You still look like shit.” He was always the best at compliments.

“At least I don’t look like you.” That was lame, and you were sure he knew it. At this point you would have paid someone to kill you.

“Witty as always.” You mockingly bow at the insult, thanking whatever god was looking out for you when the kettle whined with the heated water. Cradling your cup of tea, ready to head to your room, his voice, uncharacteristically soft, stopped you in your tracks.

“It doesn’t get easier.”

“I know.” Feeling defiant, you walked away. You barely caught the small  _tch_  he lobbied your way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking your time to read this. I wanted to create something a little more on the serious side, inspired after I read the spin off for Levi. His relationship with Furlan and Isabel was really touching, and it got me to thinking about what it would be like to be the squad leader for a group of people who were more likely to die than any other military group. 
> 
> If there are any suggestions or questions please feel free to let me know or comment or whatever else makes you happy.


	2. Lingering Touches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You meet your new squad members and then Levi.

It was several more days before you were able to get a look at the addition to your squad. At first you didn't want to accept it. These were the people that were supposed to replace the four that you had lost through your own pride and fault, or so you keep telling yourself. However, Erwin was very firm in stating that it made no logistical sense for you to operate with only yourself. You knew he was right, but that didn't make you feel any better. Seeing as you couldn't really focus on picking new people, Erwin did it for you. At times you wonder if he coddled you too much, but you trusted Erwin. He was a brilliant strategist and mastermind, and you knew that he would be able to pick people that complimented your remaining members' strengths. Looking through the names, you felt your eyebrows raise of their own volition.

Mikasa Ackerman.

You wondered briefly if she was related to Levi. It seemed unlikely, since she seemed to live in the Shinganshina district while he lived in the Underground (or so the rumors said). Still, how common was that last name? And if that wasn't interesting enough, Mikasa was Eren's adoptive sister. You slightly remember her from the courtroom a week or so ago when they mentioned her to try and paint Eren as some sort of monster. She seemed composed enough. Looking through your records, you saw that she graduated at the top of her class. If Levi's squad wasn't already full, you were sure that he would have tried to snatch her up. The top of the class usually came with excellent 3DMG usage, and that was extremely important to the mobility of the Survey Corps as well as personal survival. 

Bolstered by how promising Mikasa seemed, you went through the names again. Aside from Mikasa, you had a Sasha Blouse and a Bertolt Hoover. It seemed as though you had the top of the class, with Sasha at 9 and Bertolt at 3. A wry smile formed on your face. Of course, class rankings weren't too terribly important in the long run. On the battlefield, everyone fought for their survival. It didn't matter how well they did in school. Still, these kids seemed promising, although you couldn't let yourself get too hopeful. The people you lost were promising as well.  

* * *

Since the recruits were arriving today, you figured that it would make sense for you to go meet them. Wandering around the halls of the castle headquarters, you bumped into the bright optimism that was Petra Ral. Well it wasn't that she was superbly optimistic. You don't make it far in the Survey Corps by being optimistic. However, there was just something about her that transcended the gore and death that was their everyday life. Not to mention she somehow put up with Levi, and you saw that as an impressive feat within itself. 

“(F/N)!” She waved you over, a smile on her face. It made you want to smile with her as well.

“Hey Petra. Have you seen the new recruits yet?” She nodded. Well of course she’d have seen them. She wasn’t the one locking herself away in her room. “Are you going to go see your squad now?” You nodded, grateful that she didn’t phrase it as “new squad.” It was no secret around headquarters that you took their deaths pretty hard. People stopped giving their condolences after it was apparent that you didn't appreciate it. 

“Anyways, you’re looking a lot better.” You nodded, although you wouldn’t say that you were completely better. The past couple of days were pretty busy for you and working helped you keep the past events out of your mind. Of course, the night was fair game. Your dark circles probably rivaled those of Levi. Still, at least you were able to function almost normally. It would be difficult for you to not have doubts in your mind every time you give a command, but at least you were starting to give commands out again. 

“Are you headed back out Petra? We can walk together if you are.“

“I'm actually going to check on Eren. Hanji is running some tests on him, again, and Levi wants to make sure she doesn't go overboard with it.” There was a tone in her voice that made it seem as though she didn’t quite approve of it. You could empathize. Eren was part of her squad now, and they had a close bond. No one wanted to see their friends being experimented on. Still, this was for the good of humanity. He was the only titan shifter that anyone knew of. 

"Doesn't she have something else to do?" As much as you loved Hanji, and you had a very special place in your heart for her, the woman's glee for titans confused the utter shit out of you. "Eren can't literally be the only experiment she's running."

Petra only shrugged. "You know Hanji. The woman doesn't know when to stop." That was a pretty apt description of her actually.

“Well, I’ll see you some other time then.” Waving goodbye, you headed out to the courtyard. You could see Ness handing out cloaks and supplies to the recruits, introducing them to horses and whatnot. It took you back to when you were just a fresh cadet, wearing the wings of freedom for the first time on your back. You were still incredibly clueless and naive back then. While it would be impractical, you wished that you still had that mindset. The world just seemed more hopeful those days.

You watched as the recruits talked to one another, putting on their cloaks. These were the same kids that you had seen a couple of days ago when Erwin gave his speech. Though young, you had to hand it to them for being incredibly brave. People rarely joined the Survey Corps, despite the good that it did, just so that they could live a few extra years. Over time, you had developed the belief that a life lived behind the walls were a waste. Even if you died young, at least it was in pursuit of doing something.

Striding over, you waved at Ness. "I'm looking for my squad?"  

* * *

“So you’re Bertolt, which makes sense seeing that you're the only guy. You must be Mikasa then, and that leaves you as Sasha.”

You were standing in front of your three new members assessing them. They were more or less what you imagined. Still, there were some surprises, like how tall Bertholdt was. The boy was a regular beanpole, although height wasn't necessarily an advantage on the battlefield. He seemed competent though, save for the profuse amount of sweating he was doing. Were you really that scary? And then there was Sasha. You didn’t even know where to start with the girl. For starters, she was eating a fucking potato as you rattled off their names. Where did she even that potato? To your knowledge the kitchen tended to be guarded very well. And anyways, who just eats a potato?

You were beginning to doubt Erwin's ability to put together a team. So far you got the walking advertisement for why deodorant was necessary and potato girl. At least Mikasa seemed normal, except for how unnaturally quiet she was and that red scarf in this weather. 

“My name is (F/N), one of the squad leaders. Generally I would have a little more time to test your skills, but the expedition is coming up so it’s pretty much trial by fire. There will be a training session tomorrow morning, and I expect you all to be there. If you have any questions please let me know.”

“Squad Leader (F/N)?” You turned around, surprised to hear what must be Mikasa’s voice. It sounded fitting for some reason. 

“What is it cadet?” There was a pause, as if she was trying to figure out the right things to say.

“Where can I find Eren?” It shouldn’t surprise you that the boy had people who cared for him. Eren was so passionate. It was the first thing you noticed about him. When you watched Levi beat the literal shit out of him in that courtroom, the fact that the boy took it in the first place was a marker of the kind of person he was. There was sheer determination in his eyes, and no one in that room intimidated him. Not even Levi really. That was the sort of personality that others flocked towards, and you respected him for that. It was harsh that he had to be ostracized for what seemed to be something out of his control. From what you understood, Eren didn't even know that he had the ability to titan shift. 

“You’ll have to ask Levi for that. Eren’s in his squad.” Of course, you knew where Eren was, but it probably wouldn’t be good to send the girl to Hanji's lab for numerous reasons. “I’m sure he’ll be wandering around the hallways soon.”

Dismissing them, you headed towards your room to finish up a couple of administrative things before dinner tonight.

* * *

 You had just turned the hallway to your room when you heard a familiar voice cut through your movements.

“Going to mope again?” Rolling your eyes, you turned to face the ridiculously short Levi. “Actually I was going to finish up some paperwork before dinner. Some of us actually do their jobs.” You actually weren't sure if Levi did paperwork, but you were sure he did. The guy barely slept, might as well do something productive in the meanwhile. 

The raven-haired man approached you, dramatically narrowing the distance between you two, but you stood your ground. Levi had stopped intimidating you a long time ago. Sure, when you were a new cadet in the Survey Corps you’d rather fight 15 titans than talk to him. Now…well, now you’d still rather fight 15 titans.

“You look less like shit.”

“Thanks because my existence completely depends on your approval of my face.” You crossed your arms as you looked at him.

“Idiot.” He stepped back, and you felt your body relaxing. You hadn’t even realized that you had tensed up. Levi noticed it too, a smirk lingering on his face.

“You're overseeing the cadet drills with me tomorrow. We start at 6AM.” He seemed bored as he rattled the information off to you, but you knew Levi better than that. He’d rather do anything other than work with you. 

"Why?" 

"Erwin."

“Of course. Is there anything the great Commander won't ruin next?” Mentally groaning, you turned to head back to your room. If you were going to have to chaperone the cadet drills tomorrow with Levi, you were going to need sedatives or something to keep your attitude mollified. Wondering if knocking yourself out with a brick would excuse you from being there, you were jolted out of your thoughts when Levi stopped you. Well it was more of the action of his hands curling themselves around your wrists. Turning around, confusion obvious on your face, you looked down to where his hand gripped you. He looked every bit as confused as you did. 

The both of you stood there for a bit just staring at each other. It felt awkward and uncomfortable. Of all the years that you had known Levi, and you've known him for awhile, the man wouldn't have touched you with a titan's arm if he could. So why now? You tried to form some question, but they died in your throat as you looked into his steel grey eyes. You never realized how captivating they were. 

"(F/N) - "

"Ah, Levi. I was wondering where you were." At the sound of Erwin's voice, the both of you sprung apart as if each had been bitten by a poisonous snake. If Erwin was confused by what he saw, he didn't make a single comment. Your face was red, looking down at where Levi's hand just was. Meanwhile, Levi was looking disinterestedly at invisible dust on his jacket. "Am I interrupting something important?" 

"N-No. Levi was just telling me about the cadet drills tomorrow." You couldn't believe how shaky your voice sounded. 

"Oh well, if you don't want to do it, I can always ask Mike to fill in for you. I just figured that you being around would make the cadets a little less nervous." Shaking your head, you wave him away. "No, it's fine. I don't think I have anything else to do in the morning." Even though you were addressing Erwin, you were, more or less, looking over at Levi. The ass was cool as a cucumber, not even fazed by the fact that he touched you for the first time ever. You, on the other hand, were not cool as a cucumber. You could feel your heart beating louder than a titan's thunderous footsteps.

"Excellent (F/N). I meant to tell you sooner, but I haven't been able to find you all day." You waved Erwin away. It wasn't ok that he made you work with Levi, knowing that the two of you didn't get along. However, you owed Erwin a lot, so you wouldn't complain about it. 

"Don't worry about it Erwin. I'll see you at dinner then."

Watching as Erwin left with Levi, you headed back to your room, your hand mindlessly returning to when Levi had held onto you. There was a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach as you thought of Levi's face and how warm his hand was.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I consolidated chapter 1 and 2. It actually made no sense to split them apart, and then I added more words to this chapter. 
> 
> If you have any comments/suggestions please let me know.


	3. Straddling the Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you work with Levi and find him straddling you.

It was probably 5:30 AM when you finally woke up. Dinner yesterday was uneventful. You were half fearful that Levi would try to talk to you again, but he stayed over by Erwin. Thankfully, Hanji decided to regale you with stories of her time with Sonny and Bean, when they were still alive. You were still creeped out that she gave those things names and treated them like her children, but you would listen to this over interacting with Levi any day.

You dressed yourself in the standard white pants, and a dark blue blouse. It was the only thing in the uniform that you had any control over, and in this day and age, you were going to take any control that you could get. Stifling a yawn, you drew on the straps of your harness. The leather straps slipped into the grooves of your body worn down from frequent 3DMG use. As unsightly as the grooves looked, they were really a testimony to how long you've stayed alive.

It was almost 6 AM when you finally made it to the courtyard, a piece of bread clenched between your teeth. You made eye contact with Levi as he looked over to your direction after having his fill of glaring at the new recruits.

“You’re late.”

“Bite me.”

“You constipated or something?” Levi’s face was deadpanned; his arm crossed over his chest as if he actually expected you to answer.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

If there were times when you talked to Levi, this was your typical sort of exchange. Looking over at the cadets, it was easy to see how surprised they looked. They probably had an image of how Levi was, uptight and ultra serious. It wouldn’t do for Humanity’s Strongest to be a crass midget.

“Good morning cadets. My name is (F/N). I’m sure you’ve met Levi.” There was a disgruntled noise to your right which you assumed came from aforementioned midget. “Welcome to your first cadet drills. We’re going to start with horseback riding. I’m sure Ness has introduced you to horses, but it’s important that you know how to ride them.”

* * *

At first you thought that horseback riding would be the easiest thing for them to master. You literally just got onto a horse and tried not to freak out so your horse didn’t freak out. Pretty simple. Both you and Levi could only watch in utter horror when at least half of the cadets nearly fell or collided with one another. The only people that seemed to be doing fine were Sasha and Eren.

“Maybe we should have started with them walking next to the horses.” You looked over to Levi.

“It’d be a waste of time to start slow.”

Sighing, you turned your gaze back to the kids. You didn’t agree with Levi, but he did have a point. There was a limited period of time to actually train before the next expedition.

“Wait a minute! Don’t turn your horse that way!” You rushed into the fray to prevent unnecessary accidents, and Levi stayed behind watching you with a bored expression.

* * *

“Seeing as you’re all fucking awful at the basics, we’re not going to test your 3DMG skills to prevent you idiots from killing each other.” After about an hour, the cadets were mostly competent at riding, with competent being a generous description. “You’re going to be doing hand to hand combat.”

You would have said something, but at the moment you were massaging your shoulder. Some horse-faced idiot fell on top of you after he slipped off his horse. If you looked like a horse, shouldn’t you be good at riding one?

“(F/N).” You looked up as Levi called you over. “Stop being a useless pile of shit and get over here.” Rolling your eyes, you bit your tongue from making a retort you might regret.

Standing next to him, you flexed your shoulders, scowling at the two-toned haired boy that had the nerve to fall on you. Seeing the cadets looking confused, you spoke up. “While hand-to-hand is useless against titans, it’s designed to test your reflexes and hone your senses.” What better way than to fight for you life, kind of? “We’ll pair you up.”

You and Levi stood a couple of feet apart from one another, watching the cadets extremely bored. It was like they were just fucking around, halfheartedly attacking each other. They might have gotten away with it during their trainee years, but this was not cutting it.

A low growl emerged from Levi as he strode over to them. Dragging Eren away from a burly looking blond, Levi threw him onto the ground, placing a delicate, tiny foot on the poor boy’s chest. “You call that hand-to-hand combat? You all high off your shit or something?” You could hear the ground crunching under Levi’s boot through Eren’s body, shuddering at the sound.

“(F/N), get over here.”

You threw a mocking salute up at him. “Yes Sir.” Levi just glared daggers at you.

As you walked close enough to him, the raven-haired man burst into actions. You moved suddenly, your body diving to the side. This was years of anticipating titan attacks and shitty lance corporals that tried to attack you. Levi barely missed you, his mouth curved into a smirk at you. “Get out of the way Eren.” The titan-shifter didn’t need to be told twice.

“Playing dirty Levi?” He ran towards you again, although this time you held your ground. He’d wear you down if all you did was play defense. The both of you clashed, you grunting under his weight. For such a small person, he packed a punch. It might be because he was made entirely of muscle or that you were slightly shorter than him.

“Courageous (F/N).” You pushed him off of you, swinging your fist in low. You knew that he was going to block or dodge you. Watching his foot, you changed direction so that your fist aligned with his gut. Levi surprised you by rapidly shifting direction again. The momentum of your fists prevented you from stopping yourself. Knowing that Levi expected you to try and change direction, you went forward with your fist, hitting the ground into a roll.

Stifling a groan, you got up to your feet, but Levi didn’t give you any time to catch your bearings. You had to play defense this time, barely blocking his fist in time. The impact sent you staggering back a bit. Frustrated, you could only block each blow he landed on you after that point. You could feel yourself getting tired.

Fuck. You had two options. Either let him wear you down or do something that he didn’t except. Levi had outsmarted you earlier, so you were going to outsmart him now. As he lunged in again, you didn’t try to move out of the way. Instead, you blocked his attack to dull the pain, but you let him take you down.

Grunting from the blow, seeing that Levi was slightly caught off guard, you flipped him over. Your mistake was not restraining him, believing that this game was over. Swinging his leg around your waist, you yelped as pushed you over to the side and under him. Before you could swing up to hit him, Levi pinned both your hands to the side. His face leaned over yours, his lips curved into an arrogant smile.

Instead of being angry though, you felt that strange nervousness in the pit of your stomach like when he had grabbed your hand yesterday. Your body froze underneath his, and that smile turned into a full-blown smirk. You detected a glint in his steel grey eye that you had never seen before. “Game over squad leader.”

He sprung up, turning around to the cadets gathered around marveling at the brief spar. “That’s how you practice hand-to-hand combat.” Growling, you pushed yourself off the ground brushing the dirt away from your body and trying to straighten the bird's nest that became your hair. You’d get him later.

* * *

You were sitting on your bed massaging your shoulder when Hanji burst in. Again.

“Hi Hanji.” You sighed the words out as you gently kneaded your shoulders. There was a bruise starting to form on your arm where you had taken the brunt of Levi’s attack, but there was nothing you could do about that. You felt the weight of your bed shift once Hanji sat down.

“Sooooo. How were the cadet drills?”

You shrugged. “Some kid used me as a mattress when he fell off his horse.” You winced as you pulled your arm the wrong way. You turned your arm towards Hanji, nudging her with it to massage you.

Relaxing as Hanji took care of your shoulder, you figured you’d opened yourself up to a sort of interrogation. “Besides the horses (F/N). You know, your run in with the shrimp?”

You narrowed your eyes at the memory. “Well Levi decided to show the cadets how to do proper hand-to-hand training, and the cadets thought that it was great.”

“Umhm. And were they amazed when he straddled you?” Bristling, you shook your head vigorously.

“He was not straddling me! He was merely locking me into place. I mean it was standard procedure.” Unfortunately for you, there was no standard procedure. “Not to mention, we can’t really stand each other.”

Hanji conceded to your point. “But that still doesn’t explain away him sitting on top off you, hands pinned down, your hair a mess, picture of sultry romance.”

You groaned, attempting to hit her but failing horribly. “I hate you. How did you even hear about it?”

“I have my sources.”

The both of you fell into silence with you occasionally rubbing your elbow that was bruising into a lovely shade of purple. It wasn’t awkward though. As loud and obnoxious as Hanji got, you were friends enough where even she could shut her mouth around you.

“You seem happier (F/N).” You snapped out of your thoughts when Hanji spoke. “What do you mean you crazy woman.”

“Well, you just seem happier, like something’s keeping your mind off things.” You snorted. “More like Erwin is making me do a shit ton of things that I don’t have the time to think about anything else.”

“I think it’s more than that. Like getting straddled and recruits and…” You rolled your eyes. Hanji said the stupidest things sometimes.

“And I think that you should just stick to reporting on titans.” The mere mention of titans got her all excited.

"Do you think Erwin is going to let me catch new titans? I just though to another experiment or two to run..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore Hanji and her psychotic ways, so expect a lot of her. And by a lot, I mean every chapter haha. 
> 
> Please leave suggestions/comments, thanks!


	4. Gut Instinct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Levi makes you feel like shit, and you talk to Eren for the first time.

The next day was the same, you and Levi leading a training exercise for the new recruits. This time, they seemed more enthusiastic in what you wanted them to do. It might have to do with the fact that Levi had threatened a majority of the new cadets with bodily harm if they slacked off again. You didn’t mind though. The less time that you had to spend demonstrating exercises with Levi, the less weird you would feel being around him. 

This was not a normal feeling for you. Levi usually stirred feelings of anger, resentment, and extreme dislike in you. He always made you feel inadequate and stupid. When Erwin decided to promote you to squad leader, Levi made the most fuss you could have ever imagined. Sure, when you were a cadet, you were probably pretty stupid. You had no idea what you were doing in the survey corps. You didn’t buy into all that “save humanity” speech at the beginning. You just wanted to go out and do something, and you figured going out to kill titans was a good thing. It could be argued that suicidal bastard was coined to describe you.

However, by the time Erwin moved you up a position, you thought that you had a more cautious and balanced view of life. Having your own squad, people who looked up to your command, made you grow up as a leader. Levi just kept giving you shit ever since that day. It might possibly have to do with the fact that you might have almost gotten him killed during one of your first expeditions, but that was besides the point. You were a different person now. 

* * *

 

“Alright cadets, that’s about it for today. You guys did a really good job.” You smiled at them as they started walking back to the barracks. Since becoming a squad leader, you’ve developed your own personal touch to the position. For example, Hanji’s personal touch was acting like a complete manic. Levi’s was to be a mean spirited midget who had to be overcompensating for something besides his height. You decided that you would be an encouraging and supportive squad leader. At least, this way, you could connect to the cadets and make them feel like they made the right life decision. It was already asking a lot of them to willingly lay down their life to kill a never ending stream of titans.

Following the cadets, you turned around as someone called your and Levi’s names. 

“Levi, (F/N). Sorry for disturbing your training, but Commander Erwin was looking for you.” 

Giving the man a puzzled glance, you nodded. The cadets were done for the day anyways, so you weren't worried about letting them loose. Anyways, you were sure Levi had already gave them personalized cleaning assignments. Wondering what exactly Erwin needed both you and Levi for, you started heading off in what you thought was the right direction.

“Oi, shitface. Where do you think you’re going?” You looked up, responding to Levi’s insult as if he actually used your name. “What?” Seeing your confused expression, Levi glared at you through half-lidded eyes as he reached out to grab your arm. You could only watch in horror as his thin fingers wrapped themselves around your wrist. 

“If you wanted to hold my hand you just had to ask.” You tried to play it off, but anyone with ears could hear the strange little shake in your voice. You coughed to hide it, reluctantly following the short man as he dragged you around. 

“I’d rather not have to explain to Erwin why you decided to walk onto the other side of the compound instead of to his office.” A slight blush dusted your cheek as you realized that you had been going the wrong direction. “Oh, I mean, there’s a shortcut that way.” You’d be damn if you ever admitted to Levi that you had done something wrong. Maybe that was why he hated you.

* * *

You’d like to point out that Levi had yet to let go of your arm for the entire duration of your journey to Erwin’s office, but then that would have to mean admitting that your heart was pounding the entire time, that your mind was racing off in confusion, that you were coming to doubt your reality. You couldn’t understand why you felt this way. After all, it was just Levi. 

Then, just as suddenly as he grabbed you, he let go of you, leaving you feeling empty? You weren’t sure if that was the right word. Shaking your head to clear your thoughts, you unconsciously held onto your arm as you walked into Erwin’s room. Standing next to Hanji in a slight daze, you ignored the scientist’s raised eyebrow as you tuned into Erwin’s discussion. 

“How close are we to figuring the identity of attacker?” The air had turned tense as the episodes of a couple of weeks played back, the murder of Hanji's two titans. Deaths of titans were no big issue, except these titans were under the research of the Scouting Legion. It made no sense to kill them, unless someone was directly trying to interfere with Hanji’s research. Given that she had made substantial gains in knowledge, it was easy to see why Erwin immediately thought of a traitor.

“Nothing unfortunately.” Mike was always short and to the point. “I say it’s one of the new recruits though.” It made sense to think of it that way. This did happen right before the recruits were given the option of which military branch to choose. Not to mention, no one knew who any of the recruits were. They had the advantage of total anonymity.

“I don’t think it’s anyone in the Survey Corps though.” “And why is that (F/N)?” You tried to form you thoughts into something coherent, but it was hard to describe a feeling.

“Call it a gut reaction.” You didn’t know how else to explain it. To you, it didn’t make sense that it was someone in the Survey Corps could do it. It was one thing to use the entire gathering of cadets to hide amongst numbers. It was just stupid to join the same military branch you were setting out to sabotage. 

 _Tch_. “Because your gut is extremely reliable isn’t it?” 

You froze, feeling as though you had just been slapped in the face. Granted, you did make it easy for him to hit you where it hurt, and it wasn’t like Levi didn’t make a good point. A squad leader responsible for the death of her entire squad was not someone you wanted to trust on gut reactions. 

“Ah. Well, I suppose that’s a fair question to ask.” Your voice softened as you wondered if Levi was just vocalizing what everyone thought about you. Maybe it was your expression or the way your shoulders slumped slightly, the atmosphere in the room became silently stifling.

“The device will be ready Hanji, regardless of who ends up being the target?” Erwin’s calm voice boomed, breaking the stale air. “Yes, we’re currently testing both the range and strength.” You could feel her eyes darting towards you occasionally, but you ignored it. She was probably going to barge into your room later tonight anyways. “We have a month before the expedition, we’ll probably be able to ascertain information on who killed the titans.” 

You took your leave first, walking past Levi, ignoring his gaze. Your mind was elsewhere, and you had no desire to listen to him condescend you. 

* * *

The castle gave you numerous places to go and think. Of course, that was the optimistic way to think about it. What you were doing was hiding. Hiding from Levi, Hanji, Erwin, yourself. Or maybe it was the answer to the question you didn’t want answered. Whether it was your fault that your close friends and subordinates lost their lives. 

“Oh, squad leader!” You turned around, slightly confused. You were up on the east roof of the castle, hardly a place where you’d expect to run into someone. So now, you found yourself face to face with the titan-shifter.

“Oh Eren. I thought they had you on a bit of a tight leash.” You offered a smile to show that you were joking. “It’s a nice night to be out though. The longer you’re in the Survey Corps, the more you appreciate nights like this.” Eren made his way over to your side, a pensive look on his face. It was such a shame that these kids had to grow up so fast. You grew up when the walls were still intact, so there was a time you could pretend that titans weren't real. 

“Um, squad leader – “

“Just call me (F/N).”

“Oh right, um, (F/N). If you don’t mind me asking, why did you join the Survey Corps?” Turning your body slightly so you look at him, you were struck by the odd colors of his eyes. They were calming, in a strange way. Maybe that’s why people flocked to him.

"Why do you want to know?" It wasn't an odd question, but you had never really spoken to the boy one on one before. The most you ever talked to him about was to comment on his 3DMG skills or whatever you were training him in.

"I'm just asking everyone, and you've been around for awhile." God he made you sound so ancient.

“What kind of answer are you looking for Eren?”

“Isn’t there only one kind?” 

You laughed a bit at his naivety. For someone who could turn into a titan at will and had probably crushed numerous titans under his heels, he was still just a kid. “I suppose that’s one way to look at it. To be honest, I don’t know why I joined.” It was Eren’s turn to laugh. “But, being here, I think I found a purpose. I don’t think it’s killing titans or researching them or anything like that. It’s a bit cliché, but I just want to make sure at least one person alive has hope for humanity.” You scratched the back of you head, a little embarrassed at your confession, but Eren’s gaze showed that he didn’t think less of your statement. His gaze made your believe in what you said. 

“What about you Eren? I guess you didn’t have a choice whether or not to join, but would you have joined us?” The boy vigorously nodded without a second’s pause. “I always thought of the Survey Corps as heroes. Going outside the wall, beating back the titans. I going to kill all of them.” His eyes shone when he talked, his passion intensifying more and more. It was a bit frightening to be honest, but you could understand.   
  
“Be careful Eren. Sometimes reality doesn’t always compare to your own dreams.” You breathed the words out, tinged with your own regrets and failings. “You won’t understand now, but death will humble you.” Or, in your case, cripple. “I can only hope that you keep your optimism.” 

Taking a step back from edge, you started heading in.

“But you just have to keep going right?” You paused, turning around to look at him. “I never asked to be able to become a titan. Everyone expects something out of me, but I don't know if I can do it." In that moment you remembered that you weren't the only one that had it hard. "But it’s nothing I can change, so I just accepted it for what it is.” His eyes shone again, and you found yourself almost hypnotized by them. “I know we’ll lose people, and I’ve already lost many friends. The only thing is to keep going for them.” 

You smiled, a genuine smile. Who would have thought that a wide-eyed cadet would remind you of something important. “Thank you Eren.” 

“(F/N)?” You laugh, waving your hand at him. “Don’t question it.” 

* * *

Back in the safety of your room, you sigh. In a funny twist, your conversation with Eren had made you feel a little better. Life always had a funny way of working out. Noticing a cup of steaming tea on your desk, you tense. You hadn't been back to your room since the meeting in Erwin's office, so there was no way that you made that cup.

“I’m not a titan.” Groaning mentally, you looked over to the corner.

“Levi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for not updating this for like a whole year. I thought that law school would still allow me time to creatively write. I thought incorrectly. Anyways, for such a long wait, I decided to make an extra long chapter (just in case the next time I'll be able to release a chapter will take longer). Please enjoy, and as always message/comment with suggestions or comments.


	5. Talks of Earl Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where you recount the death of your teammates to Levi.

You stood there, staring at one another for what felt like eternity. It was Levi who broke the impasse as he moved from the corner to the chair in front of your desk. Staring at him, not quite sure what to do, you just slowly closed the door behind you. You wouldn’t want Hanji or Erwin to burst in at this moment.

If Levi saw that you closed the door, which he did, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he chose to remain silent, relaxed against the chair. He had changed out of uniform, wearing a simple white long sleeve and black pants. You hadn’t seen him dressed like that in awhile. Leaning against the closed oak door, you studied the man in front of you for what seemed like the first time in all the years you had known him. The dim light of your candle and the beams of the moon in the window behind your desk casted shadows on his face. You could see the dark circles under his eyes, the tired and heavy weight on his shoulders of being Humanity’s Strongest. Still, despite the tiredness, or maybe because of it, there was something wickedly charming about him. The way that his neckline curved gracefully to meet his jaw. The prominent bone structures. The fringes of his bangs crowning his head to meet the close shave. But the best part, the one that you just realized now, was his face. The deadpan stare that hid his eyes. Those dark and stormy grey eyes that lightened and darkened with his ever changing moods.

“Are you just going to stand there and stare at me?”

Eyes widening, you scrambled from the door, perching on the edge of your desk in front of Levi sputtering something about not staring at him. Looking into his face after you settled down, you immediately regretted it. Instantly, feelings you had towards him over the past few days came hurtling back towards you. The confusion, the attraction, semi-anxiety, hurt. Sighing, you loosened your hair out of the strict bun you kept, the strands wavy from being confined all day. You leaned forward slightly as you shook out your hair.

“Is this how you seduce men?”

“W-what? No. Why would I even want to seduce you?”

There was mild panic in your voice. It made sense, you wouldn’t want to seduce a man who had literally just emotionally tore you apart in front of your fellow officers and commander. Yet, there was another source for that panic, one that you were slowly beginning to realize. That you didn’t know what to feel for Levi. That it was no longer feelings of apathy.

"Do you even know how?" It was a signature deadpan delivery, but you saw that glint in his eyes again. The same one he had when he had pinned you in the dirt.

"Well of course. You'd know if I was trying to seduce you." You huffed as you leaned away from him, crossing your legs.

Silence again graced your room, although this time there was less tension. You fiddled with your fingers, interlacing and releasing them.

“The tea is for you.” His tone hinting, just barely, that it was slightly insulting that you didn’t bother to indulge in the gift he sent you. Or so you thought.

You look back behind you, the cup still steaming. Grasping the handle, you drew it to your nose, taking in the smell of what seemed to be earl grey as you closed your eyes in delight. Your favorite flavor. Part of you was surprised that Levi would know that, but the other part of you assumed that he just used grabbed the nearest tea canister to him. Sipping, you looked at him over the rim of the cup, his eyes clearly lingering on your face.

“Is this an apology, Levi?” His face remained expressionless, although his body shifted slightly at your comment. “It’s not like your comment was undeserved.” You shrugged, placing the cup back on your desk as you let the warmth of the tea envelop you.

“Are you seriously still moping?”

“I’m not moping.” He snorted. You looked away from him, trying to preserve some sort of pride and dignity in yourself. The last thing on this titan infested earth that you wanted to do was admit to Levi that he somehow got under your skin, that he had the ability to hurt you. Of course, the cat was out of the bag already, so you were trying to put up a facade.

“It wasn’t your fault they died. You realize that right?” Sighing, you looked down into your lap, ignoring the gaze coming from those grey eyes.

"How would you know?" He wasn't even there. He didn't know how irresponsible you were, how unobservant. You looked over to Levi, an expectant look on his face. You might as well tell him. 

“Mia got her lines tangled when she was going through the trees. I think she missed her mark or detached too late. By the time I looked back a titan had already grabbed her.” Your voice quivered slightly, and you immediately grabbed the tea cup, hoping the soothing taste would calm you down. “Belus and Zoldan had gone back to save her, but they were overwhelmed." Those three were always close. They were all from Trost, next door neighbors growing up. "A horde of titans had been following us, which was why we were trying to move fast. There were too many for them to handle.” It didn't matter how talented Belus or Zoldan were. You remembered the sea of titans that devoured the forest and your friends. It was a sea of beige and specks of blood red.

“And Ilia?” Levi’s voice was soft, the way he said her name so comforting. It was probably the first time he ever mentioned her without screeching some obscenity.  
  
“Well you know Ilia.” You forced a strained laugh from your throat. “She dives head first into everything.” That wasn’t an accurate representation. Ilia was just a reactionary, doing everything based on her gut. Kind of like Eren. You were sure the two of them would have gotten along. “She was at the rear of the squad, so she would have been there the fastest." Would have. "She never even made it to them. A titan came out of nowhere.” All that was left was a red stain on the old bark of a tree.

There was silence again. You took the chance to finish off the tea wishing it was alcohol instead, not that you were one to drink away your sorrows. You just wanted to take something off the edge. Everyone knew about what happened, but this was the first time that you ever talked about it.

“And where were you (F/N)?” You knew it wasn’t an accusatory question, but it might as well have been one. You were sure your dead companions were wondering the same thing. It wasn’t as if they weren’t screaming loud enough.

Sighing, you opened your mouth, feeling like you were confessing to a crime. Maybe you were. “I was up ahead, leading the squad. I didn’t even notice that the titans had caught up until I heard them screaming.” Your eyes took on a pensive gaze, falling down into that hole where all you did was play the “what if” game. Hanji was right, you hadn’t done this the past couple of days, but now, it was front and center in your mind. "I should have paced us better. Hell, I should have checked to make sure everyone was still with the group. By the time I made it to them, only Belus was alive." Belus had been taken back to headquarters for his burial with half his body missing. 

Again, silence. You ran a hand through your hair, playing with the knots. You weren't sure what Levi was thinking, although you were certain he was wondering how such a shitty person got to be squad leader. It wasn't the first time that he had voiced that concern.

You nearly fell over when Levi touched your shoulder, heart racing at the surprise. God the man moved like a cat. As his hand stayed there, you could feel the blood pumping faster through your veins. His hair grazed your cheek, and you felt his hot breath against your ear as his lips inched closer.

“A good leader knows how to move on (F/N).” His voice against your ears sent shivers down your spine. “Don’t let it eat you up.” Backing away, he leaned across you, grabbing the empty cup of tea. You sat still on the desk, watching as he walked towards the door, feeling the warmth and pressure of his absent hand on you.

“And take a shower. You smell like shit.”

You allowed yourself to laugh a bit as the dark haired man walked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's a shorter chapter than the last one/I tried to make it shorter. I really wanted to take the time to develop the character and give background to why she's so upset. Hopefully it was well done. As always, comments and suggestions are always welcomed!


	6. Ramblings of an Old Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hanji bursts into your room, and you contemplate your relationship with Erwin.

It seemed as though the more time you spent with Levi, the more a weight lifted off your shoulders. You didn’t know how to explain it. Levi was the least friendly person you had ever run across in your life, but at the same time, you felt as though you were kindred spirits. There was something in the way he looked at you when you were telling him about the loss of your squad, as if he understood what you were going through.

As the cadet training carried on into its second and third weeks, you had a new resolve to make sure you could train these kids well enough that they would survive their first expedition. They had about two more weeks until it was trial by fire, but you were damned if any of them died under your tutelage. Levi seemed to sense this drive behind you because he pushed the cadets just as hard if not harder than you did. The dynamic between you and Levi worked though. As he barked and intimidated cadets into place, you were there to fine tune and calm their nerves. 

Hanji was the first to notice the change between you and Levi. Well, maybe not the first to notice, but she was definitely the first to say anything about it. 

She had burst into your room again, this time when you were in the middle of changing into your clothes after a nice, luxurious shower. 

“Yes Hanji?” You were used to this by now, unfazed as you finished slipping your pants on.

“How long have you and the shrimp been sleeping together?”

“Excuse me?” 

You looked up into Hanji’s eyes, which were opened wide behind her glasses. There was something so endearingly maniacal about her that you weren’t sure if you were supposed to be disturbed or happy she was your friend. 

“Don’t think you can pull the wool over Mama Hanji.” She nodded sagely as she plopped down on your bed, dragging you with her. “And Mike says that you’ve been smelling like one another lately.” 

Rolling your eyes you tried to scoot away from her, but Hanji held on tighter than a titan’s vice grip. Part of you had often wondered if Hanji was secretly a titan. It would make sense in the bigger picture of things. 

“Mike probably thinks that because Levi and I are spending time together, training the cadets. You know that's several hours a day.” Shaking yourself loose, you got up to grab your boots. “And no we’re not sleeping together. If you haven’t noticed, the world hasn’t exploded yet.” You laughed as you sat back down on the bed, pulling on a boot over your slim calves. 

“But you know, things are different between the two of you.” You looked over to the scientist curiously. Of course you knew that you felt differently towards Levi, although it was a subtle difference. You just didn't realize that other people could sense it.

“Maybe it’s because he respects me more now?” You tried to shrug it off, but Hanji shook her head. “No, it’s not just respect. There’s something more, something about how he looks at you.” Your heart beat a little faster just looking back into your memories. The glint in his steel grey eyes accompanied sometimes by that infuriating smirk of his. You knew full well what Hanji was talking about, but you didn’t want to admit. You were a grown ass woman. You didn’t have time to swoon and get butterflies in your stomach from Levi from all people. 

“Maybe he’s just constipated whenever he looks at me.” You stood up, making your way to your desk. 

“Oh by the way, Erwin wants to see you. Actually that’s why I was here in the first place.” She cackled as she headed to your door. “But no worries, I’ll get a straight answer about you and Levi soon!” You shivered slightly, wondering why it sounded like Hanji was plotting her next experiment with you and Levi as the test subjects. 

* * *

“Come in.”

Erwin’s voice sounded so tired lately, and it made your heart ache slightly. Slipping into his room before closing the door, you walked over to take a seat in front of his desk. It was in the late hours of the night that Erwin tended to drop his mask, not that you shamed him for doing so. He was the commander, but he was also human too. Of course, you had so much respect for the man that if he suddenly started stripping on top of his desk while raunchily dancing, you’d think it was the most magnificent thing in the world. 

“You wanted to see me?” 

Icy blue eyes met yours, and you couldn’t help but compare them to a certain man’s grey hues. The difference between them wasn’t obvious at first, but there was a warmth in Levi’s eyes that couldn’t be recreated in Erwin’s. You didn’t fault your commander for it though. It wasn’t that Erwin didn’t care. It was that he couldn’t care too much. 

“I just wanted to make sure that you were doing well.” You gave him a small smile, nodding your head. “I’m doing as well as anyone else I guess. Although you could have sent someone other than Hanji to get me.” Erwin laughed softly, something it seemed like he’d only ever do in private. 

“Levi isn’t giving you a hard time is he?” Your eyes widened a bit, but you shook your head no. Why was everyone asking you about Levi? 

"It's a little weird that everyone’s been asking me about Levi. We just get along a little better now is all.” You nonchalantly shrugged your shoulders, placing your hands on the table in front of you. “But you can’t possibly be calling me into your office at this time to ask about my relationship with Levi are you?” Erwin was usually all business, except for a few choice times. “Not that there is a relationship or anything.” You added hastily, nervously scratching the side of your face. 

It earned you another laugh from the blonde commander as he reached over to cover one of your hands with his. You stopped scratching your face for a bit, looking down at his hand over yours. He felt so warm, like that night he tried to comfort you over your squad or whenever Levi was excessively harsh with you in your younger years.

“We all have relationships with one another. It’s always for the best when the higher ups get along with each other though.” You nod, still focused on his hand. Erwin had always been supportive with you, propping you up when you set yourself up to fail. “I was just worried about what he said the other day.”

“Oh, it’s no worries Erwin. Levi apologized, in his own way.” You smiled to reassure him, patting his hand before drawing them to your lap. “You don’t always have look out for me like this Erwin. I’m not a young cadet anymore.” 

He sighed this time, no light laughter. “I know (F/N), but there’s still an air of naivety about you.” That was the same criticism that Levi had often lobbed at you. Sometimes it felt like you had never really grown up. Your body had just gotten older. “I suppose that happens when you watch someone grow up.”

You blinked slightly. “Erwin?” This time he laughed again, waving his hand at you. “You probably don’t want to hear an old man ramble on. You’re doing a great job with the cadet training, as a squad leader.” He gave a gentle smile. “You just need to learn to accept the deaths that get thrown our way. As a commander or a lance corporal or a squad leader, we can’t show weakness. We have soldiers who depend on us (F/N).”

You nodded. It was a lesson you had been learning over the past few days. 

“Now, you should go sleep. Levi has been complaining about you getting to training late. I had to convince him not to barge into your room with a bucket of ice water.” 

You rolled your eyes, sighing. “I’ve only been late once, the drama queen. It’s not like I was missing anything important. Just him staring down the cadets.” You got up slowly, turning back to look at your commander. “Thank you Erwin, but let me handle things from now on. You don’t have to worry about me.” You smiled as he nodded at you, again gentleness written all over his features. It happened far too often for you to be unnerved now. 

The relationship between you and Erwin had always been like this. Borderline overprotectiveness, as if you were something precious to him. You didn’t know where it came from or whether it was something normal or what he wanted. You had always been close to Erwin, ever since he ran into you screaming your head off at Levi who was screaming his head off at you. He said it was endearing. You wondered if anyone had ever noticed how Erwin was with you, but he was only like this in private. Even then, you didn’t know what his true feelings about you were. Erwin was so guarded all the time, you wondered if he guarded himself from the possibility of you dying as well. 

* * *

It was probably sometime after midnight, maybe 12:30. If you were going to fall asleep, it might as well be with a cup of tea. Even though the drink was supposed to be caffeinated, you always associated it with sleep. Waiting for the kettle to boil, you nearly had a heart attack when you looked over at the kitchen table.

“Were you just going to sit there in the darkness?!” He was mentally rolling his eyes, you could sense it.

“I’m not the dumb piece of shit that couldn’t see a person sitting next to a lit lantern.” So calm, sipping his tea as if you hadn’t just been frightened out of your mind. 

“You could have said something you know." Fuming, you turned around, trying to mind control the water to boil faster. 

"Like what?"

"Like, we have to stop having this midnight trysts." Your voice took on a dramatic edge, bringing a hand to your forehead for added effect as you whipped around to face him.

 _Tch_. "You fucking dumbass. You're worse than that Jaeger brat."

"What, you don't find this romantic?" 

"Don't tempt me you idiot." You quirked an eyebrow up at him, and then you saw that glint again. It didn't look dangerous in the light. It looked positively wicked. He had already placed his tea cup back on the table, but, being the kind of person you were, you just couldn't leave well alone.   
  
"Tempt you to do what? Pour hot tea on my head?" You kept your tone steady, baiting him. 

You were rewarded with a growl as he sprung into action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever since the first chapter I feel like I set up Erwin to have this really strange relationship of kindness and overprotectiveness towards the Reader. I don't really know how to explain it, but it just seems right. I also like Erwin as a foil to Levi, so this works in my mind. I hope it doesn't seem strange to you all! As usual, please comment and message me with suggestions or kind words.


	7. Cornered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is this romantic enough for you?"

Pounding. All you could hear was the pounding of your heart. It was rapid, as if it was about to burst out of your chest, and you were scared that it would give out on you. But focusing on the erratic beating of your heart allowed you to ignore the entire situation.

You were pressed up against the counter as far as you could, the empty teacup you left out shattered on the ground when you backed up suddenly. But you couldn’t escape. Levi’s arms straddled your slim frame, and his body pressed against yours. Pressed so hard that you could feel the outline of his muscles through his shirt. There were no space between your bodies and only a few millimeters between your faces. So close that you could count his eyelashes, feel the intensity of those grey eyes, and see too well the outline of his lips.

There was silence. Silence except for the impossibly loud beating of your heart and the rapid breathing the both of you were making.

“Is this romantic enough for you?”

He moved his face next to yours, lips practically nipping at your earlobes. His voice echoed in your ear, hot breath deliciously caressing the shell of your ear. You didn’t want to shiver, not with him this close, practically on you, but you couldn’t help it. And Levi responded by pressing against you even more than before, something you didn’t think was possible.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Your lips moved, trying to say no. Trying to say that you were totally unprovoked by whatever he was doing and if he would so kindly remove his body off of yours before you removed it for him. But you couldn’t make a single noise. And anyways it would have been a lie. You wanted this, no matter hard you were telling yourself no. The growing feelings you had for Levi weren’t going away anytime soon, and this moment just seemed a capital depiction of the confusion and suddenness of everything. What you really wanted was to run your fingers from his undercut into his hair. What you really wanted was to have him hold your waist, melt himself into your body. Kiss you.

The thought alarmed you. No. The desire alarmed you. Was it desire or infatuation? Were you mixing up your emotions and pinning it all on Levi? You were so confused, but at the same time you knew very well that this was what you wanted.

You could feel his hair brushing the side of your cheek as he moved again, this time facing you. He leaned in closer, breath hot and heavy on your skin. And then you gripped his cravat, one of the most pretentious pieces of clothing that you’ve ever seen in your life. Pulled him closer to you until your noses were touching.

“You missed my mouth brat.”

“What makes you think that I want to kiss you?”

For a second everything was still. You could almost touch his lips with yours. All you had to do was lean forward. Your face already inching closer, eyes closed, his lips almost on yours.

And then the kettle started steaming. And then you heard a voice, no, several voices.

“Levi are you in here?” Erwin. “He’s probably making tea.” Hanji. The door to the kitchen started to open.

_Tch_.

The spell broke and you found yourself standing alone at the counter. You immediately turned around, back to the door as you tried to make sense of the last 2 minutes of your life.

“Oh (F/N), I didn’t know you were in here.” You let Erwin’s voice wash over you, calming you down.

“O-oh yes. I got a little tired after meeting with you so I thought of getting some tea.” Your voice cracked as you turned around to face the two, unable to hide the blush heavily staining your cheeks.

“(F/N), are you ok? Your face is so red.” Hanji made her way towards you slightly concerned. You’ve never been like this before. “Oh…well, I…funny story…” You stammered, painful aware of the looks both Erwin and Hanji were giving you.

“The shit dropped her teacup on the floor after panicking about all the paperwork she had to do.” Levi walked towards you, a steaming cup of tea in his hand, his voice betrayed nothing about the events that transpired. “Seems like someone needs to sleep.” He held the cup out to you, which you could only gratefully accept.

“I was just a little embarrassed.” You gave a sheepish grin as you started edging towards the door. “I guess I’ve been up pretty late recently.” If Erwin and Hanji were suspicious of the story they didn’t let it show. Well maybe Hanji did. She gave you a look that indicated that she was going to barrel into your room in the middle of the night with a game of 20 questions.

“You should go to bed then (F/N). We want you to be on top of your game.” Erwin gave you a soft smile as he guided you to the door.

You turned around just briefly, catching Levi’s eyes. He had his usual bored expression, half-lidded eyes staring lazily at you, but his gaze penetrating. The way he looked at you caused your breath to hitch in your throat.

“(F/N) are you sure you’re feeling alright?” Oh Erwin, if only you knew. You merely nodded at him, knowing that your voice would betray you. And when the kitchen door closed behind you, you practically sprinted to your room.

* * *

Sitting on the edge of your bed, still holding the teacup Levi gave you, the events of the night slowly pieced themselves back.

What was the mood before everything happened? Light? You were joking with Levi, teasing him. And then suddenly, in a split second, it was as if Levi had been propelled by all the sexual tension in the world towards you.

You could still feel his body on yours. The way he smelled, like soap and tea. And then you gripped the cup a little tighter as you remembered his voice drifting into you ear. His husky voice, low, dangerous, captivating. A voice that promised a night of very little sleep. And his eyes, dark. Conveying exactly what he wanted from you in that moment.

You sighed. "What have I gotten myself into?"

Sipping at the tea, you tried to make sense of it all but couldn’t. Was it all a game to Levi or was he struggling to understand it all too? Walking over to your desk, placing the tea cup there, you changed and settled in bed. At least you could pretend nothing happened for the next 5 hours. But then you were training the cadets with him tomorrow. At this point you'd rather a titan just eat you and spare you from living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm back after being superbly busy! I promise to try and update as much as possible to make up for not writing for a really long time. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The pace is starting to move a little faster, so it'll be a little more exciting romance wise. As always, please comment/give suggestions.


	8. Unsatisfied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you embarrass yourself in front of the cadets and kiss Levi.

Morning came too soon. You pushed up gently from the bed, running a hand through your tangled hair. The room was dark as you slipped on your clothes; the world silent save for the soft rustling of cloth and the metallic hiss of zippers being pulled. You grabbed the harness from inside your wardrobe and started putting on the cumbersome equipment. Usually you opted to not wear it, but you and Levi had planned for the cadets to undergo a test of their maneuvering capabilities today.

You and Levi.

The thought made you pause, hand hovering over a belt that you hadn’t quite tucked away.

What was today going to be like? Only in your wildest dreams would Levi take any action. He had shown himself to be humanity’s coolest cucumber in the face of every situation. A master at not betraying his emotions. But was it too much to ask for him to acknowledge that something happened? Sighing, you quickly finished putting on the harness, attaching your 3DMG. You’d deal with the situation if it even came up.

 

* * *

 

You were late. The kitchen had gone on full defense mode, explaining to you that Sasha had somehow managed to eat through at least ten loaves of bread. Between apologizing on her behalf and trying to find something to eat, you found yourself sprinting as fast as you could to the training forest, a piece of bread between your teeth. By the time you arrived, the sun was starting to come up, illuminating a very short and very annoyed captain.

“You’re late.”

“By five minutes Levi.” Radio silence and a glare that made your heart skip ten beats greeted you. “OK, fine, ten minutes. But I got you a piece of bread.” There was maybe about a bite and a half left of it.

“If you don’t get that piece of shit out of my face, I’ll shove it up your ass.” He turned to walk towards the cadets who were all excitedly fiddling with their 3DMG.

So this was how it was going to be. Just banter you’ve gotten used to having with Levi. Part of you was disappointed, but the other part knew that this was right. You were all about to go on an expedition. There was no doubt that people would lose their lives. Not just people, people in the Survey Corps that you had trained and worked with for years. This was no time for a grown woman to start developing crushes and fantasizing about romance. Smiling wryly to yourself, you threw a mocking salute before you followed him.

“Good morning cadets.” You put on a cheery voice. “You all have been training for the last week on your maneuvering gears. Today is your assessment, which you’ll be doing together with your assigned squad.” There was a nervous murmur from the cadets. “Failing this assessment will not exclude you from the upcoming expedition, but you will have to retrain with Levi and retake the assessment.”

“Don’t fail.” Levi’s voice was quiet but the threat of punishment for failure was very clear. Not that you anticipated anyone doing poorly. The past week showed promise for all the cadets, and anyone that was lacking showed rapid improvement.

Letting Levi explain to the cadets the rules of the reassessment, you went to check that the titan dummies were in place. Given the mechanics involved, several Survey Corps members were needed to ensure that it ran properly. You didn’t really need to check on anything, but you wanted the space from Levi to think a little bit.

“Oi, (F/N)!” Levi apparently didn’t think space was appropriate right now. “Where do you think you’re going? Taking a dump next to some of the dummies?” You rolled your eyes as you walked back to him. “Wouldn’t you like to see that? My public shit ticket prices are pretty high though.” Some of the cadets were snickering, pretty much used to how you and Levi communicated. Levi didn’t say anything, opting to glare at you instead.

“As I was saying, (F/N) and I will be doing a practice run for you to see exactly what you need to do.” Levi narrowed his eyes specifically at Connie and Sasha. “We don’t need any more collisions so pay attention you twin shits.”

Unfortunately, you weren’t paying attention. You were fixated on that simple phrase. (F/N) and I. You knew that it didn’t mean anything, but you couldn’t deny the butterflies in your stomach hearing his voice say that. Thinking about his voice led you straight to the events of last night. The way every syllable slipped from his mouth into your ears, in a low, husky decibel.

“Hey shit for brains. Get in position.”

“Position? Um…do you prefer top or bottom?” Your mind was still elsewhere, imagining several scenarios that might have happened if Erwin and Hanji hadn’t walked into the kitchen last night.

“Excuse me?”

“Personally I prefer being on top, but you seem more like a top – “

 “(F/N).”

 You finally snapped back to reality, your face instantly reddening. If a titan barreled through the compound and ate only you, it would be welcomed.

Most of the cadets were either too stunned or confused to make any comments, but you weren’t looking at them. You were looking straight at Levi who stood near the forest entrance. His face almost unreadable except for his eyes. They were a color you had never seen before on him.

“Can you hurry up so we can begin this demonstration? Or are your pants so full of shit you can’t move fast enough?”

Nodding slowly, you walked over to Levi. The cadets were all following behind you, and you could hear comments wondering if you were alright. You ignored it and walked ahead to join Levi. Taking out your blades, you tried to focus on what you were supposed to be doing: being an adult and training cadets.

“I do prefer being on top.”

You weren’t sure if your mouth or your heart dropped down to the ground. Before you could even whip your head around to ask Levi what exactly he meant, the signal was given for the both of you to commence with the run.

As Levi shot into the forest, you did the same, trying to focus on the task at hand. It had been awhile since you operated anywhere near Levi mostly because he was convinced you’d kill him with your ‘shitty as fuck maneuvering abilities.’ You didn’t want daydreaming to lead to another accident. 

* * *

“Brings back memories doesn’t it Levi?” There was a grunt as he cut through one of the false titan’s necks.

“The next one is yours.” As he dropped down closer to the ground, you ascended, blasting your lines in front of you. Swooping around as you saw the target, you detached and shot your lines upwards, giving you enough momentum to deliver a powerful cut, deep into the titan’s neck.

“You’ve improved.” You and Levi were working in unison now. Your lines hissed through the air almost simultaneously as you both raced through the forest. To the cadets and Survey Corps members watching, you were both blurs of mass destruction.

“I think anything would be an improvement.”

Levi snorted at your statement. “That’s an understatement huger than Erwin’s fucking eyebrows.”

Slice.

You chuckled slightly as you barreled towards the next dummy. “You knew that it was my first expedition though. I was pretty inexperienced combat wise.”

A clang of metal as the hooks detached and slice.

“I was under the impression that they taught you how to not tangle lines with people while fleeing from a horde of titans.”

The hiss of gas sounded as Levi soared up and spun downwards in his signature spin.

You were both side by side now with one titan left to go. The corps member setting up this last one told you that it was a big surprise, something that might surprise two old veterans.

As you detached your lines, aiming for a tree just beyond the two of you, the surprise titan dummy was deployed. It was massive, maybe 25 meters. Unfortunately for you, the grappling hook at the end of your line ricocheted off the edge of the dummy’s frame. Unbalanced, you threw your weight behind the one line that was attached waiting to redeploy. Levi, seeing your predicament, grabbed your arm, throwing you forward and up. As he hung back to redirect himself, you shot upwards with all the strength your 3DMG could muster to reach the 25 meter height. Once up, you barreled down, slashing in a semi-circle. Your slash buried deep in the dummy’s neck, tearing off a large chunk.

You made your way down to the ground, a light sheen of sweat on your face.

“Not bad.” You looked over to see Levi walking towards you, shrugging at his comment.

“Why do I feel like I’m the one being assessed here?” He glanced over at you, eyes bored. “Do you really have to ask?”

“I guess I was just too eager back then, when I was younger that is. You don’t trust Erwin’s decision in promoting me? ”

“You could have just stood still and let me rescue you. Then we wouldn’t have to be discussing this.”

You responded, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Right, I should have just stood on the ground staring down a 15 meter titan and told it to wait while you saved me.”

The first expedition you ever went on nearly cost Levi his life. In your desire to kill as many titans as possible, you almost ran straight into one. Levi had tried to save you, only to get his lines tangled with yours as you panicked and tried to swerve. Erwin managed to save the both of you, leaving you and Levi to blame each other for what happened.

“You were a shitty dumbass back then. Now," Levi paused to find the right words to describe you. "Now, you’re just a little shit.”

You curtsied. “Anything to please you oh wondrous captain.” He scoffed at your comment as you laughed.

“By the way, you should probably refrain from daydreaming about me in front of the cadets.”

Your laughter stopped midway as your face flushed at the memory. “I-I wasn’t! There was a logical explanation for that!” You didn’t catch the smirk Levi had on his face.

* * *

The cadets did well, all of them passing. You noted that you squad did well, although teamwork could probably improve a little more.

As you settled down to write a report on the training today for Erwin and any one else that cared, you heard a knock on your door.

“Come in.”

Two steaming cups of tea alerted you immediately to who it was.

“Oh. What are you doing here?”

He placed both cups in front of you before taking a seat on the chair in front of you. “Helping you on the report.”

You leaned back in your chair, an eyebrow up in disbelief. You’ve been the one writing status reports on the cadet training so far, and Levi never cared what you put in them.

The sound of the chair scraping across the wood floor brought you out of your thoughts.

Levi had made his way next to you, leaning against your desk. He had dressed down slightly. Although still in the standard white military pants and with his harnesses on, Levi’s cravat was gone as well as the jacket. Instead, he had left the top two buttons of his shirt undone, which was so attractive to you for some reason.

“I figured we might as well talk.”

This was what you wanted. Levi not ignoring last night. Not ignoring your sudden outburst at training today. Not ignoring what had to be a real attraction between the two of you. But you were also scared. What if only you felt that way? What if Levi had just been swept up by some sort of emotion last night? What if, in reality, he didn’t feel anything for you?

“Stop overthinking things brat.”

“How did –“

“Because you look constipated. You always look constipated when you’re thinking. Unless…” He recoiled from you slightly. “You actually need to take a dump and it’s not coming out.”

Rolling your eyes, the moment ruined, you shook your head. “I’m not constipated. It’s just a lot to think about.”

“I say address it after the expedition. We’re about to go into fucking titan territory with people who depend on us.”

You nodded. “Now isn’t the time, I know.”

That was what you figured was the right thing to do. But still, that wasn’t good enough for you. You looked up at your captain. Maybe he was thinking the same thing too or maybe he heard the disappointment in your voice. Levi had gotten up from your desk, coming towards you. You watched as he bent over, one hand on the chair and the other on the side of your face.

He was gentler today as he moved your face closer to his. “Wait Levi –“

“Stop talking.”

Obeying the command, you turned your body to face his, a hand on his chest. Closer and closer, you could feel Levi’s heart speed up with every inch the distance between you narrow. Closing your eyes, you felt it. His lips on yours, barely touching. Almost as if he was scared that he would hurt you. For a man who was so confident, aggressive, and definitive in action, Levi was surprisingly tender.

Emboldened he moved to deepen the kiss when there was a knock at the door.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Levi retreated, settling back in the chair across from you huffing. Still dazed, you shouted for whoever it was to come in.

“(F/N)! Oh you’re here too shrimp. Perfect, I don’t have to go hunting for you.” Hanji paused for a second. “Am I interrupting something?” Her eyes twinkled, causing you to shift uncomfortably in your seat.

Said shrimp only glare at her. “What do you want shitty-glasses?”

“Oh right. We’re having a meeting in Erwin’s office." Hanji looked at your expectantly, but you shook your head. Like hell you were going to tell her anything, at least not with Levi still sitting in the same room. Instead, you got up from your desk and followed the mad scientist.

As you exited your room, Levi leaned over in a voice only the two of you could hear. “Later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays! I hope all you readers are well and enjoyed the chapter. I know it's an extremely long chapter, with a lot of stuff packed in, but I couldn't figure what else to cut T.T I promise the next ones will be a little shorter.
> 
> As always, please comment/gives suggestions to anything you didn't like or would like to see!


	9. The Eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A night you spend remembering the past.

Later never came for you and Levi. The meeting in Erwin’s office ended late in the night, too late for anyone to do anything. And the next two weeks flew by in a blur. Even Hanji didn’t have time to pester you. She was too busy preparing the weapon that had been discussed in Erwin’s office. It was to be strong enough to stop a massive aberrant and hold it down. While no one knew exactly what you all were up against, Erwin was convinced it would happen during the 57th Expedition. You had been following Erwin’s command long enough to realize that he knew what would happen. Like a game of chess, Erwin had already trapped the traitor’s king before they even realized it.

And Hanji wasn’t the only person too busy for you. Levi had practically disappeared from your daily cadet-training sessions. Instead, he spent most of his time going over strategies, expedition formations, and preparations with Erwin. So it was just you bonding with the 104th class as you got them ready for probably the worst day of their lives. It was a task that you took seriously; so seriously that you forgot about almost everything else. And anyways, it was just what a certain someone said. You both had lives that depended on your actions. One wrong formation or one undertrained cadet could jeopardize everything.

* * *

“Squad leader?”

You looked up to see Mikasa. Red scarf still sitting meticulously on her neck although the rest of her appearance indicted someone who had just flew through a forest with her 3DMG.

“Yes Mikasa?”

“We cleared the forest obstacles.” 

You nodded. Sasha and Bertolt were a couple of feet away, but they were headed towards you. They had cleared those obstacles in about 6 minutes, which was phenomenal. You had seen the three of them go up against the first dummy, noting that they had at least worked on that one together. Sasha and Mikasa were certainly loners when it came to their attacks, but Bertolt worked in teams well. Thus, as practices had worn on, you noticed that he would aid one or the other whenever possible. Outside the walls, taking down a titan single-handedly was difficult if not impossible. Without someone to make to have your back, you were most likely going to die. 

You smiled slightly to yourself.

“Squad leader?”

Shaking your head you waved the next team through the obstacles, but you still allowed yourself to smile a bit. It seemed this squad might make it after all.

* * *

Exhausted, you had wandered back to your room after barely touching dinner. The expedition was in two days. You had never been able to stomach anything when an expedition was this close. Not to mention, this time you would be leaving from the Karanese District, your home.

You briefly let yourself think about your parents. Their smiling faces, the memories of stocking the shop when you were young, the smell of fresh bread from the bakery next door. You couldn’t remember when you last saw them. Probably when you had been promoted to squad leader. You had gone to visit them shortly after. Your parents listened stony face as you told them. They had stopped smiling ever since you joined the Survey Corps. You had stopped seeing them after that. 

Unconsciously balling your fists, you moved around trying to distract yourself again. You had realized long ago that you no longer lived in the same world as your parents. While they could sit at home, pretending everything was fine, your reality was much different. By now, you had seen a titan’s smiling visage more than you had seen your parents’ faces. Had felt a titan reach towards you more than the embrace of your parents. 

Erwin had asked several days ago if you had wanted to leave for Karanese a little earlier than the rest of the Corps. Knowing what he intended, you had declined. 

But that didn’t mean you didn’t miss them. Not just your parents, your whole family. The uncles that would throw you in the air, pretending you were a bird, right before they caught you. That one aunt who probably started drinking when she woke up. And your sister. Your partner in crime, inseparable until you left for the military. You missed her. You missed all of them. 

You unclenched your fists, clasping them instead. You wondered what they were all doing. Surely, by now, your parents would have heard that the Survey Corps was heading on an expedition from there. Lately, more and more people supported the Corps, calling you heroes. Maybe your parents would be there to see you off, to see their daughter off. 

The thought stopped just as you realized how ridiculous it sounded. You laughed derisively to yourself. You were alone in this. Well no. You had Hanji, Erwin, your squad, the Corps. Levi. An image of the Lance Corporal flashed vividly in your mind, his taciturn face staring at you blankly. And you realized that you missed him. That you wanted to see him before you faced death in the face. You shook your head. This wasn’t the time. But you knew you needed to leave your room. The memories of your past were beginning to stifle you. 

* * *

There was no Eren this time to disturb you as you settled on the parapet of the eastern roof, looking up at the stars. It was a clear night, and the moon shone brightly, casting a gentle light on you. Looking out, beyond the walls of the castle, you remembered the last time you had sat on the wall like this. It had been before the 55th Expedition, and your squad was there with you. Mia, Belus, Zoldan, Ilia. They were joking, laughing at how they were getting to be too old. How it felt like this was their 500th expedition. 

A bitter smile formed on your lips. That was the last time you saw them like that.

“You should see the kids Erwin made me take on as a squad. They’re not half that bad.” 

The night wind was the only sound that responded to you.

“No one could you replace you guys, but I have faith in them. Just as I had faith in you.”

You let the silence grow, scrambling to find the right words.

“I’m sorry.” It was a faint whisper. “I really am. I wish that I were better. I wish that I had grown into the squad leader you needed. At least one that could have saved you.” You had to force yourself not to cry. Zoldan hated when people cried, and Ilia never failed to mention how splotchy red your face got.

“But I promise, this time, I’m not going to let anyone die. For you all.”

“And I’m sure you won’t.”

Startled you nearly fell off the wall, a pair of strong hands pulling you back. 

“I never imagined that you were someone who got easily frightened, Squad leader.” 

You turned to see Levi, black hair glistening in the moonbeam. You could see the dark circles rimming his eyes, which looked bloodshot. 

“You need sleep Levi.” 

He grunted as he took a seat next to you. “I always need sleep. I’ll be fine.” 

“I’m not going to catch you if you pass out and fall over the wall.” 

“I'm regretting catching you.” 

“If I remember correctly, it was your fault for startling me.” _Tch_ , but his body moved closer to yours. You could feel the heat radiating from him as the both of you stared into the empty expanse before you. 

“Levi?"

"What brat?"

"Do you think they can hear me? My squad?” Did they hear your apology? Know how badly you wanted them to be here? Sure you liked the new cadets. They were great kids. But the others. The others had been your family. 

“Who knows, but it's not like you'd stop talking to them.” 

You laughed slightly. It was true. For you, it was comforting to think that somehow your words could reach them, and it helped you keep them near you. Although you had been busy recently, there wasn't a day that went by that you didn't think about them.

“Levi, do you have anyone that you wish could hear you?” 

There was no answer, so you turned around to see Levi looking pensively up towards the night sky, the stars twinkling faintly, outshone by the moon. “Yeah. I do.”

You both fell into a comfortable silence. Shoulders touching every now and then as the both of you shifted in place. Both of you remembering the people you've lost. 

* * *

“Maybe we should head in?” You didn’t know how long you had been out there, but you were scared you’d be the one passing out and falling over the wall. You had already turned around, boots on the ground as you started towards the door.

“(F/N), wait.” Levi had stood up to grab your hand, pulling you towards him. His touch still had the effect of driving up your heart rate.

“Be careful during the expedition." His voice came out gruffly. "I tend to like talking to people who can respond to me.” You smiled slightly in spite of yourself.

“I'm guessing you don’t think I’m a shitty brat anymore.” He sighed, as he looked disinterestedly to the side. “You’re still a shitty brat. Just not as bad as Yeager.”

Laughing softly, you nodded. “I’ll take that as a compliment.” 

You looked at Levi for a moment, trying to make sure that you didn't forget anything about him. “You be careful too. I have a bad feeling, especially with Erwin preparing like this.” You looked at him seriously. A bad feeling, like you were standing in the eye of a storm waiting for it to come.

“I’m sure it’s the feeling you get when you’re constipated.” He paused slightly, as if he was unsure of what he was going to do, then lightly kissed your forehead before parting from you. “Just take a shit and you’ll feel less like one.”

You rolled your eyes before leaving him still standing on the roof, looking at the stars. As you sank into your bed to sleep, you could still feel the burning sensation on your forehead where he kissed you. A stupid grin on your face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize super profusely for not updating for so long. But this is still going, and I promise to not stop until I'm done T.T As usual, feel free to leave comments/suggestions. Hopefully you all enjoyed this chapter! Also, on a side note, I'm super excited that the second season of the Attack on Titan anime is coming!


	10. Cold Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 57th Expedition outside the walls ends in failure at the appearance of the female titan. Any hope that you had before this day dissipates like cold rain.

The Karenese District was the same as always. The sound of the bustling marketplace was behind you somewhere. Unsurprisingly, you couldn't see a familiar face from the crowd that gathered to see you off. Sighing quietly to yourself, you settled yourself in formation. You were located near the front, left flank. Up ahead you could make out Hanji, Erwin, and Mike. You knew that Levi was behind you, his squad, with Eren in tow, forming the center. Looking around, you noticed the nervous looks on your squad’s faces. A small, painful smile passed on your face as you thought about bringing a new batch of cadets into dangerous territory.

“It’s alright to be a little nervous.” You could hear Bertolt and Sasha had stopped shifting in their seats. Mikasa had turned around to look at you. “I was really scared on my first expedition too, and I ended up making a lot of mistakes.”

“But we can’t make mistakes out there, can we?” Sasha’s hands were nervously unclenching and clenching her reins. 

You shook your head. “No Sasha. There’s no room for mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that you need to be nervous. You have me, at least, and I’ve lived through enough of these to know what I’m doing.” You smiled at the three of them reassuringly. “Plus, when you’re calm, you’ll be able to fight better.”

The sound of the bells clanging broke you out of your conversation. A voice rang out from the center of the crowd. 

“The time has come!” A roar resounded as every single member of the Survey Corps raised their fists in defiance of the titans they’d face. “Open the gates!” 

As the gates started to creak open, you gripped the reins of your horse. Around you, your new squad prepared themselves for their first expedition outside the walls. And then you could hear Erwin’s voice shout out. 

“Move out! The 57th expedition outside the walls begins. Forward!”

And then you were off. In unison, the entire regiment galloped at full speed outside the gates. As you urged your horse forward with all your might, you were greeted with the view of rolling green hills. You could hear the gasps of the cadets beside you; it was probably the first time they were able to see what the world beyond the gates was like. Smiling to yourself, you started to guide them towards the target location. 

“Remember to avoid engaging titans. We’re in the open meadows, so it’ll be a lot harder to fight against them.” Three heads nodded at you. “You remember the scouting formation right? Have your flares at the ready.” Already there were green and red signal flares flying up, and you sent a green one up to join them. 

“Oh no…” Sasha’s small gasp kicked your adrenaline up as you instinctively moved your hand towards your 3DMG. And then you saw it, a trail of black flares. A grimace settled on your face as you urged your horse faster. 

“Don’t get distracted cadets. Keep moving towards that forest.” But you were unable to shake that uneasy feeling. Whatever Erwin was expecting to come was on its way. 

“But a forest would just trap us in-”

“That’s an order cadet.” You barked the words out a little harsher than you intended, but now was not the time for your subordinates to question your decision. “Please, just trust me.” 

Silenced, you guided your squad towards the forest. There wasn’t a single sound save for the occasional burst of flares. You could tell that they were frightened, but you were under strict orders from Erwin to not reveal anything. 

Looking behind you, you could see the black flares being sent up. They were getting more and more sparse, a clear sign that squads were being decimated. What was even more unnerving was that the path was clearly leading towards the forest you were to meet at. Somehow, whatever was coming, knew exactly where to go. 

* * *

You had reached the forest without any incident. Sending your squad to stand guard with the rest of the cadets, you joined up with Hanji and Erwin. Said scientist was busy readying her weapon, while Erwin was directing where people would be. You were in a tree just above one of the artillery machines. Time passed as you nervously waited for Levi’s squad to arrive with Eren.

Then you heard it. Thunder and the shaking of the earth. Black flares rising closer and closer to where you stood. And then screaming as people were crushed or flung to their deaths. You couldn’t see what was going on, but life had a horrid way of letting you count how many voices sounded their last.

And then you saw him. Levi’s face calm as his horse barreled its way into the glade. The rest of the special operations squad close behind him. Relief settled through you as a loud boom rang out, and Erwin shouted out the signal. Within seconds, thousands of jagged arrows buried themselves into the titan, rendering it immobile. You looked up just to see the titan staring at you, crystal blue eyes behind blonde hair. A small part of you wanted to be scared, but all you could feel was hatred. Hatred, knowing that this titan killed countless of your fellow corps members. Hatred because you knew that there had to be person inside the titan, killing countless of people in cold blood. So you smiled at the titan; smiled as she stood there littered with arrows.

* * *

You had moved to stand next to Hanji, who on Erwin’s command had just unleashed another barrage of arrows.

“She’s immobilized right?” Your blades were out just in case. It was a pretty shitty day, and you weren’t going to let the situation escalate. 

“Correct! The arrows are designed to lodge into the skin and stay there. No matter how much she tries, she’s not going anywhere.” There was a crazed glee on Hanji’s face, but you weren’t sure if your face was any better. Anger boiled in your blood, and it would be an understatement to say that you were pissed that Erwin didn’t let you try your hand at extracting the person inside. 

You were about to reply with something, but in that moment the world had stopped. 

For a split second you saw Levi on top of the titan’s head, saying something you couldn’t hear. And then, without warning, the most awful screeching noise came from the titan. Gasping, you were brought to your knees as you covered your ears. And then, just as suddenly as it came, there was silence again.

Before anyone could recover, the ground shook again as the rumbling of titan footsteps echoed through the forest. Three titans burst into the glade first, headed straight for the female titan. One lodged itself at the female titan’s leg, biting in.

“It’s … eating her.” Confusion settled on everyone’s face.

Then it was hell on earth. Erwin shouted, commanding everyone to save the female titan. You didn’t need to be told twice. And so, with Hanji next to you, the two of you flew into the horde, the rest of the Survey Corps close behind you.

Titan blood splashed all over you, limbs hit you, bruising your body, but you couldn’t stop. You ferociously tore into every titan nape that you could find. But it seemed so pointless. As one fell, more rushed to fill its place. “It’s-it’s not stopping!” You weren’t the only shouting the obvious. Exhausted, the Survey Corps gave it their best, but there were too many.

“Retreat!”

Unable to combat your fatigue, you headed back to a high perch. Drained, you watched as the titans devoured the female titan’s body.

“We failed Hanji. After all that, we failed.” Your voice cracked, whether in exhaustion or depression you couldn’t tell. The both of you stared down into the crowd of remaining titans. “All those people…”

Hanji placed a warm hand over your shoulders as you went numb. You knew Erwin was the type of man to do this. The type of person to sacrifice as many lives as possible to save humanity, but this time you just couldn’t stomach it. Because you knew that they had sacrificed their lives with the hope that Erwin had a plan.

A plan that failed.

* * *

You were too emotionally and physically exhausted to really notice anything. All you could think about where the countless people who had sacrificed their lives for a fleeting hope. And in that moment, you felt the same despair you felt when your previous squad had perished. Despite how many titan kills you had, despite how you climbed the ranks of the Survey Corps, despite your own tactical brilliance – it didn’t matter. You still couldn’t save anyone.

“We made a mistake of thinking that this titan’s abilities would be the same as Eren…” 

Your head perked up at Erwin’s discussion with Hanji. You were riding close to them, Erwin insisting that you be near the front just in case there were any issues. 

“Erwin, are you saying that the person inside the titan survived?” 

“It’s not unlikely (F/N). We don’t know much about these titan-shifting powers. All we know is from Eren, but he’s a beginner. And this titan is of considerable skill, much more than Eren.” 

You could feel the color slowly draining out of your face.

“Levi’s squad still hasn’t returned.” It was a whisper, but you were sure Erwin caught it. Not only that, you were sure that Erwin had contemplated it before.

“Does Levi-“

A roar emitted from deep within the forest. A titan’s roar. A roar that came from where the special operations squad was supposed to have been positioned.

“Eren!”

Without thinking, you moved to turn your horse around. Erwin stopped you, his hand gripping the reins of your horse.

“I had Levi resupply.” And with that you knew that you couldn’t argue anymore.

Instead, you waited out in the meadows surrounding the forest with the rest of the Survey Corps. Unease filled the air. Looking around, you spotted your squad. A small sense of relief that quickly filled with dread when you noticed Mikasa was missing.

“Damn it. She probably went after Eren.”

You hurriedly moved towards your horse, only to be stopped, again, by Erwin.

“(F/N), stand down.”

“I can’t do that Erwin. A member of my squad is missing, and I have reason to believe that she’s pursuing Eren.” You reached out for your horse, but Erwin’s grip was stronger than any movement you could make.

“(F/N), this is an order. Stand down and wait.” Somewhere deep in your mind, you knew Erwin was right. Mikasa was an exceptional soldier, and Levi was there. But you weren’t feeling too rational in this moment.

“Tell it to someone who cares Erwin. I’m not having someone die under my care again-”

You grimaced in pain as Erwin tightened his grip, essentially pulling you away from your horse.

“I’m only going to say this one more time. Stand down.” Erwin’s voice was as firm as his grip on you. A friendly hand reached to touch your shoulder.

“Once you’re done throwing a hissy fit, we need some help finding the dead.” Though the words were teasing, Hanji’s tone was soft.  

Defeated, you nodded. Erwin released your arm, and you could see the purple bruises blossoming from where he gripped you. Hanji walked with you, an arm around your shoulder. 

* * *

You were helping Hanji carry the torso of some poor guy the female titan had smashed against the trees. That’s when you saw Levi and Mikasa arrive, an unconscious Eren between them. All the anger and worry you felt over Mikasa vanished when Levi said he needed help bringing his squad home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the fastest I've updated T.T So proud of myself. The chapter got away from me and became much longer than I anticipated (or wanted it to be). However, I couldn't really bring myself to take anything out. So the 57th expedition and it's aftermath will be the subject of the next two chapters to come! So please prepare to be depressed for the next two chapters (at least). 
> 
> As always please leave comments/suggestions.


	11. A Bitter Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was little you could do for Levi, but it was the small things that counted.

You gently tucked a strand of brilliant orange hair behind her ears. Looking down in this moment, you could have sworn that Petra was just sleeping. Again, so very gently, you wiped the blood from her face with the sheet covering the rest of her horribly broken body. To the side, you could see Levi covering Eld’s body, his fists tightly clenching the sheet that hid the fact that half of Eld was missing.

Your heart hurt for Levi. Regardless of how dignified or stoic he seemed, you knew exactly what he was going through. But your heart also hurt for the loss of your friends.

You would never hear Petra’s voice on the other side of your door, reminding you that dinner wasn’t something that you should skip. You wouldn’t get to snicker at Oluo as he walked around biting his tongue on accident. Nor ever hear Eld talk with excitement about seeing his fiancée again or Gunter telling stories of the kids in his neighbor that flocked to him whenever he went home.

You quickly pulled the sheet over the rest of Petra’s face. If you left her uncovered for just a second more you’d lose it. And you weren’t planning to cry in front of the entire Corps.

“Was that Petra?”

You nodded, unable to trust your voice. Levi had strode over to you, staring blankly at the body under the sheet.

“And Oluo?”

You had made sure that Oluo was placed next to Petra. It was no secret that Oluo thought fondly of her. Whenever they were around each other, Oluo always managed to make some comment about her starting to shape up as perfect wife material. Petra would roll her eyes, but she’d confide in you later that she didn’t exactly mind it.

“He’s right next to her.”

Levi gave a small nod before walking off over to where Gunther’s body laid. And that was when you noticed it.

“Wait, Levi.” You jogged over and took in the way he stood. “Your ankle, it’s –”

Levi shook his head. “It doesn’t hurt. I’ll be fine.”

“I’m going to have a medic come over to look at you just in case. Because if you’re injured and you don’t heal it correctly, then you might never be able to walk again. And if that happens, then I –”

“(F/N).” You stopped speaking, realizing that you had been wringing your hands as you spoke. “Are you alright?”

You derisively laughed at yourself. “Isn’t that a question that I should be asking you?”

“Do you think I’d answer that?” An unamused expression rose on his face, but you recognized it as one that hid his own pain. Whether it was physical or mental pain, you couldn’t tell. Probably both.

“No, I guess not.” You gave him a small smile. As he started walking away, you grabbed onto his arm. “But if you’re going to go over to Gunther, lean on me? So you don’t put much weight on your bad ankle.”

Sighing, Levi started walking again. “Just don’t hold onto me.” But once you able to match his pace, Levi didn’t hesitate as he moved enough so that his shoulder could rest against yours.

You knew that Levi didn’t want to draw attention to his injury. Seeing Humanity’s Strongest limping around wouldn’t help the morale of tired soldiers. A titan had just decimated a large chunk of the Corps. People had lost friends and comrades. It wasn’t fair but Levi, Erwin, Hanji, even you, had to show strength.

Once you made it over to Gunther with Levi, you started walking off in search of someone with medical knowledge.

“You can stay you know?” It came out as a whisper. Turning around, you saw that Levi wasn’t facing you. He wasn’t even focused on you. Rather, his hands hovered over the cuts on Gunther’s body. Distinctive marks that had to have been caused by the blades of a 3DMG. Levi’s face was unreadable as he closed Gunther’s eyes and covered up his body.

You walked away, not wanting to intrude. There weren’t many things that you could for Levi, but you could at least give him the privacy to mourn. 

* * *

 

It was another hour before all the bodies could be retrieved from the forest. There were countless of other bodies on the path that led to the forest, but without knowing exactly where they were, no one could retrieve them. But it was just as well. There was no more space in the wagons for more bodies. Sighing grimly to yourself, you maneuvered your horse into position. Not in the mood to be anywhere near Erwin, you opted to stay by the cart that carried Eren. Mikasa was on the other side, worry etched on her face as she kept looking down at Eren.

“Frowning at him isn’t going to make him recover any faster Mikasa.”

The raven-haired girl gave a small start when she heard you. “Squad leader, I’m –”

You shook your head. “It’s alright Mikasa. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried, but there are things in this life that we would give everything to protect right?” Your voice was tired, weary with the world and all the things you couldn’t protect. But you wanted to remain strong for Mikasa, for the rest of your squad.

You watched as Mikasa nodded, directing her attention to Eren again.

“Although Mikasa,” you looked directly in her eyes. “You do that again, and I’ll kill you.” Mikasa gave a small smile before nodding. Satisfied, you tried to keep your eyes ahead of you. That’s when you heard the sound of a flare firing off behind you.

Whipping your head around, you could see two 15 meter titans running towards the wagons. Although, upon further squinting, you noticed that there were two Survey Corps members just barely in front of them.

“What are they doing back there?” You shouted back to the soldiers that were bringing up the rear.

“It looks like they went back for a body!” Growling, you slowed your horse down so that you were side to side with the rear. “Those fucking idiots.” You muttered darkly as you prepared yourself to draw your weapons if it was needed. And it looked like it was needed. The wagons, weighed down by corpses, weren’t moving that fast, and the titans were rapidly gaining.

There were screams as one of the rogue members was snatched up by a titan. And as that titan occupied itself with eating the screaming man, the other titan was running towards the wagon. Cursing under your breath, you twisted your body in the saddle to keep a visual on the titan. Glancing over, you noticed that Mikasa had also slowed her horse down.

“Mikasa, get the titan back there.” She nodded, whipping her horse around to try and save the member that was still alive. And while she rushed back there, you eyed the titan in front of you.

“Don’t even think about it.” Pausing you realized Levi was there as well.

“What are you doing back here Captain?” The last time you paid attention to the formation, Levi was up next to Erwin.

“Don’t go after that titan. There will be more coming after us.” You could see that Levi was looking over at the wagon, specifically at the bodies inside of it. “If we empty the wagons, we’ll be able to move faster.”

The two men in the wagons could only look at him in shock. “Are you sure you want to do that Captain?”

You could see the pain in Levi’s eyes, but he only nodded. “We weren’t able to recover the bodies of hundreds of soldiers before this expedition. There’s nothing that makes these corpses any more special.”

But these bodies were special. If you had been able to recover all the bodies of your fallen squad members, not just Belus’s, you would have at least felt less like shit. No. No matter what kind of façade Levi decided to put on, you weren’t going to let him do it to himself.

With your mind made up, you turned your horse around heading towards the titan. “Leave the bodies alone and just focus on driving the horses faster!”

“(F/N)! Where do you think you’re going?” Levi’s voice was harsh, but you didn’t care. You had had enough of people telling you what to do today.

“I’m getting rid of the titan. What does it look like to you?” Rising to a standing position on the horse, you drew your 3DMG.

“(F/N)! Stop being a reckless piece of shit for two seconds!” It was too late to turn back now. With a nod to Levi, who could only look at you in anger, you zoomed off your horse, attaching to the titan in front of you.

Your heart was pounding in your ear as you hurtled forward. The titan, unable to contain its excitement over a human that willingly came towards it, reached out its arms to you. Snarling, you detached your lines, letting your momentum carry you under and past the titan’s outstretched arms. Almost immediately, you deployed again, twisting your body so that you were able to aim at the titan’s nape. And, throwing all the speed and strength your tired body could muster, you dug in deep and sliced.

A satisfying thud reached your ears as the titan buckled and fell on its knees. You quickly disembarked, whistling for your horse. As you made your way to the main formation, you saw Mikasa galloping towards you, successful in save one of the soldiers. Sighing in relief, you made your way back, blood ringing in your ears as your adrenaline rush tried desperately to climb down.

* * *

 

The gates creaked open, but it didn’t feel your heart with hope like it did this morning. All you could feel was dread. Getting off your horse, entrusting it to someone near you, you made your way into the city. Almost immediately you could the whispers of discontent. It was obvious to anyone with eyes that the Survey Corps had made its way back with less people than it had set out with.

There were accusations thrown left and right. Some telling Erwin that they hoped he was happy wasting their money. Others just generally directing venomous threats, saying that the Survey Corps was a waste of money and resources. You were too tired to react, and you had lost too many people dear to you. Sighing, you tried to walk faster. It wasn’t like anyone in the crowd was following you so as long as you could make it out of the market, everything would be silent again.

“Captain Levi! Sir!” You kept your head down, not quite sure if you wanted to see Levi beating some citizen since he was probably at his wits’ end.

“I’m Petra’s father!”

You stopped in your tracks, eyes wide as you tried to process what you heard. Walking gingerly behind them, you could hear the older man speaking at great lengths about his daughter. How he was so proud of her, that she had dedicated her life to the Corps and really respected Levi. How he was happy for her but did wish that eventually Petra would settle down in the future.

Instinctively you turned back to look at the carts, not quite sure which one held Petra’s body. Who was going to tell this man that his daughter was dead?

Levi was stoically quiet through it all. You couldn’t see his face, but you knew it was probably blank. His eyes the only part that could betray his distress. You walked a little faster until you were able to reach him.

Hidden by the hem of your cloak, you reached out to squeeze the tips of Levi’s finger. He didn’t break stride or look at you. But he squeezed your hand back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I get peppered with comments about how in the anime the bodies were thrown off the wagon, yes I do know that. However, I kept with the events of the manga instead for this part. I think the anime focused on a Levi/Petra shipping, which isn't present in the manga. And I was too sad to make them have to throw away corpses. 
> 
> Also, yes, I put in a Petra/Oluo shipping moment. It's one of my OTPs, and it honestly makes more sense to me than Levi/Petra pairings. But those are just my two seconds/preferences.


	12. Reluctant Heroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For just tonight, Levi doesn't need to be Humanity's Strongest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER ALERT. If you don't know Levi's background: life in the Underground, interactions with Furlan Church and Isabel Magnolia, and how he joined the Survey Corps, you may want to read the manga/watch the anime spin off before you read this chapter.

You walked through the hallways of the Survey Corps headquarters, two cups of steaming tea in your hands and a giant stack of reports pinned between your arm and side. The last several days were a blur. As if to stop the flow of time, you walked slowly. Measured steps sounding with every click of your heels. With each step your memories flowed out.

It started with the expedition. Hordes of titans swarming you and then the crystal blue eyes of the Female Titan. You could see her killing all the people that you held dear. And then the faces of Levi’s squad rose to the surface of your mind. You couldn’t help but remember how they looked the day they died. Eld bitten in half. Petra’s look of terror. Gunther cut down, body sliced like ribbons. Oluo’s anger. You shook your head, trying to remember them how they were. People with a hope to take humanity out of its darkness. But you couldn’t do it. All you could remember was the blood and the blank, lifeless stares.

You closed your eyes, the smell of black tea wafting to your nose. The scenes of your memories changed, rapidly shifting to a meeting discussing who the Female Titan was. A plan was laid, and immediately it was executed. You were next to Hanji to deploy the barbed arrows again, but it failed. You remember hitting the side of a building as the titan broke free of her bonds. The wind knocked out of you, you could only watch as Eren followed her. Two titans running through a city of people, trampling any unfortunate soul under their feet. Collateral.

And then the second failure. The girl, the Female Titan, emerged encased in crystal. It was impossible to remove her without killing her. So all those people died for nothing.

You stopped in your tracks, knocking on a door with the toes of your boot. Without waiting to be admitted, you fiddled with the knob until you were inside.

“Oi. What part of no did you not understand?”

There, in all his sullen, brooding attractiveness, sat Levi. The ankle injury was serious enough that he was effectively out of commission for at least a month. Levi didn’t complain, but you could tell that he wasn’t pleased. He was harsher, more taciturn because now he had to sit on the sidelines watching as people he could have saved die.

“You said no? I thought it was a new way to pronounce yes.” You gently laid a cup of tea in front of him before taking a seat in an empty chair.

“You’re staying?” By now you had taken the stack of reports from under your arm and started making marks in the appropriate boxes. Not bothering to look up, you made a small noise of affirmation.

“Don’t you have your own office?” You finally looked up from your writing to see that Levi had been looking at you the entire time.

Looking back at him, you pushed the teacup towards him. And then the both of you sat staring at each other for what felt like eternity. And all you could think about was wanting him to know that he could be truthful around you. That he didn’t have to be Humanity’s Strongest.

The sound of Levi dragging the teacup to his lips jarred you out of your thoughts. Clearing your throat you got back to work, and after a moment, you could hear the sound of Levi’s pen scratching on some poor report. You both settled in the silence, occasionally taking a break to sip at the tea you brought.

By the time your cup was empty, you wondered if you had overstayed your visit. You had barged in unannounced, and maybe you read him wrong. Maybe he still needed time alone to process everything.

“Stop overthinking things.”

“Don’t tell me –”

“You’re making that constipated face.” You laughed slightly, against your will. A small smile still graced your lips, and you could feel Levi’s eyes lingering on it.

“Come here.” He motioned for you to take a seat on the desk a little to the left of him. You obliged him, settling on the desk in front of him.

“You going to tell me why you’re really here?” Levi had leaned back in his chair. He was dressed like he had been the last several days. A grey button-up and black slacks. The signature cravat. Someone’s jacket hung over the back of his chair. He cocked his head to the side looking at you, and your heart nearly burst.

“Does it matter why I’m here Levi?” At some point being around each other was comforting. You sighed at the thought. It was unbelievable. Once upon a time you couldn’t even be near Levi, let alone sit in silence with him. Now, you felt an uncontrollable need to stay with him.

Silence engulfed the both of you again, but neither of you moved. The light of the candle flickered, casting long shadows on your faces.

“Their names were Isabel and Furlan.”

You looked at him in confusion. If anything, you had hoped that Levi would open up to you about his squad. You didn’t know who these people were.

“You asked me before if there were people I wish could hear me.”

“Were they your friends?” Levi nodded, his eyes glazing over as he found himself in the past.

“You know I’m from the Underground right?” You nodded, feeling his piercing gaze on you. “They were from the Underground too. I knew Furlan long before I met Isabel. They were probably the best memories I had of that place.”

You wanted to know more about them, more about Levi. The Underground wasn’t a place that you associated anything pleasant with. “I heard the stories about you mastering the 3DMG in the Underground.”

Levi nodded. “All three of us did. It made stealing a lot easier." He rolled his eyes as you stared at him wide-eyed. "Don’t give me that look, I’m sure Hanji told you I was a thug.”

“You’re just so prissy, I can’t even imagine you as a thug!” You laughed a bit. “And by prissy I mean strict on hygiene.” You tried and failed to make your expression serious.

“You want me to keep talking or not?” His voice drawled as you rolled your eyes, throwing up both hands as an apology.

Levi settled back in his chair, a little more relaxed. “Furlan and I were living in the same place together; we were both in the same gang. We met Isabel when she ran into our home. The kid had half her pigtails missing and some bastards following after her.” You knew Levi well enough to know that those bastards stopped bothering Isabel afterwards.

“So how did you end up in the Survey Corps?”

“Erwin.” You sighed, of course it would be Erwin. “There were rumors on the surface about us.”

“So Erwin recruited the three of you?” Levi nodded. “More or less. He forced us in, but it was part of our plan.”

“Plan?”

“We had been hired to kill Erwin by some rich pig. Normally, we wouldn’t have agreed but the guy was offering us enough money to get out of the Underground. He was offering us passage to the surface.”

There was such a wistful look in Levi’s eyes. In that moment you realized how much he had suffered all through his life. So much that he was willing to kill a man to get just a taste of freedom.

“Long story short, the three of us joined. Shitty-glasses was here back then, shitty as ever.” He took a pause, rubbing his eyes before continuing. His dark circles looked ever worse than before. “Mike was here too and Erwin.”

You nodded, to indicate that you were paying attention, but you refrained from speaking.

“We all figured that we could kill Erwin during the expedition, disguise it as a titan attack or something.” And then his mood changed. It was slight, but the expression in his eyes got darker. His hands clenched and you could see the effort he made in keeping his lips steady. You reached over, covering his left hand with yours.

“It was raining, visibility was limited. I left them to go after Erwin. I fucking left them (F/N) in the middle of titan territory.”

His hands clenched into fists. Gently you stroked his left hand, uncurling his fingers before slipping your fingers in between his. “What happened next Levi?” But you already guessed what happened. The way that Levi spoke, the way that he looked, the way that he carried the deaths of every member of the Survey Corps told you what happened.

“I turned back when I saw the bodies of another squad. I saw the tracks. They were heading back to the direction I just left. I must have missed the titan because there was so much rain.” You could hear him sighing. “I came across Isabel’s head first.” You gasped, bring a hand to your mouth. “Furlan was still alive. He waved at me before – ”

He couldn’t continue. Instead, Levi looked straight in front of him, sullen. “I blamed Erwin at first. He knew what our plan was. He knew and he still risked going on the expedition with me, with all three of us.” Levi laughed hoarsely. It was a terrible sound.

“But it wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own.” When you opened your to mouth to say something, Levi shook his head. “Erwin told me that it was the titans’ fault, and I believed him then. I believe him now, but it was my arrogance that led them there.”

You softly held his hand as he used the free one to rest his head on.

“A good leader told me not to let those kinds of memories eat you up.”

Levi snorted at you. “What dumbass told you that?”

“You.”

He gave you a small smile, but he quickly turned his face away from you.

“But I’m sure you had beautiful memories with them? Right before it all happened.”

There was silence, and then Levi stood up. Not wanting him to leave, not like this, you tugged on the hand that you held. Unbalancing him, you pulled him towards you. There was a split second where you questioned what you were doing. But then, as if it was the only natural thing to do, you embraced him, holding him close to you. Levi’s body was stiff but slowly you could feel him relaxing. And you supported him as he sagged his tired body against yours. Your arms holding him as he held onto you.

“We were all able to see the stars together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! I finally updated! Hopefully you liked it. This is literally the most important chapter, and was actually the reason why I wanted to write this.
> 
> Just to let you all know, I might not be updating for awhile. I have exams, so I'm studying for that T.T I will try to get something out whenever I can!


	13. Spring Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Past the end of this cold winter; Until the spring comes again; Until the flowers bloom again; Stay there a little longer

You stayed against Levi for what felt like eternity, sitting on the edge of his desk holding him. In the quiet, you could hear and feel the beating of his heart. And you could feel your heart beat in sync with his, painfully aware that you were too comfortable in his hold. Then, slowly, Levi began to pull himself away from you. Without realizing it, you tightened your grip around him. A deep sigh brought you out of your thoughts, your heartbeat skyrocketing as his voice sunk deep within you.

“Are you alright?” You looked up into his eyes, and holy walls was that a mistake. You could feel yourself getting lost in those grey hues, the aching pain and tenderness behind them.

“What do you mean?” Your voice was a soft whisper, scared that if you spoke normally this spell on the both of you would lift. That the embrace you found yourselves in would turn out to be a figment of your imagination.

Levi brought a hand up to the side of you face, softly stroking your cheek. His fingers were calloused against your soft skin. “You were good friends with all of them right? I’ve seen you with Petra a lot.”

You nodded, a dull throb in your heart as you remembered why you were here in the first place. “I thought you were going to talk about them. I didn’t realize…”

Levi’s thumb continued to rub circles on your cheek, calming the tide of rising emotions in you. “I guess I’ve just been alive too long.”

“But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.” You were finding it harder to accept a day when Levi might die in battle. Not just because he was Humanity’s Strongest, but because he was Levi. And you didn’t want to lose him.

“Why are you crying?”

You blinked at him incredulously. “What?”

Gingerly, he moved his hand from the side of your face and wiped the tears that seemed to rush from the corner of your eyes. You weren’t sure what was crazier. The fact that you were crying or that Levi hadn’t kicked you out of his office yet. And, since you were thinking about it, the tears came harder. Before long you were a silent bawling mess, and Levi could only look with mild fascination and horror as you transformed in a woman he found himself attracted to into something a titan probably would shit out if they took shits.

“I told you before. Stop moping around.” You snorted most unattractively at him, which only made more tears and snot come out. Levi was torn between comforting you and kicking you out of his office. He had just cleaned the floors.

You tried to squeak out a witty response, but you couldn’t. Amid the tears and the need to take deep breaths to calm yourself, you gave up on talking in general. Instead, you brought your hands up to wipe away the tears that wouldn’t stop. It wasn’t surprising though. You had lost so many people who were dear to you. You thought about your squad every day, talked to them in your heart of hearts. And Levi’s squad. It was true. You were good friends with Petra, and you had dinner and joked with the others often. You had been realizing that you would never get to see any of them again. So just the thought of losing Levi, who was becoming someone more than your lance corporal and fellow Corps member, was too much for you to try and maintain your composure for.

Levi sighed again at you before removing the cravat around his neck. Blinking away the tears, you stared at him, wide-eyed, as he wiped your face. He wasn’t gentle, and it was clear that this was something that Levi did not do on a daily basis.

“You’re … you’re scrubbing my face like you’d scrub a hardwood floor.” You winced slightly as he applied a little too much pressure.

“I don't see you stopping me.” He paid you no heed as he continued to clean your face, if only to ignore that pang in his chest when he saw you cry. Levi didn’t have to be a genius to realize that he didn’t like seeing you that way.

Wincing slightly, you rolled your eyes at him. "I wasn't aware that I had a choice.”

Throwing the dirty cravat on the table, he only glared at you. “I want that cleaned and returned to me by tomorrow night.”

“Thanks.” You looked down at your hand, embarrassed that it was you crying your eyes out. You had come here tonight to comfort Levi; he was the one that was hurting.

You couldn’t see Levi’s gaze softening as he looked at you. Aside from being a dirty and pitiful mess, you were beautifully vulnerable. A small sense of panic rose in Levi as he contemplated why his emotions seemed to be all over the place. Or the fact that his emotions surfaced in the first place. But as his eyes laid on you, he brushed the panic aside. For some reason the thought that you needed him pervaded his mind, and he needed to be here for you.

“No. Thank you for coming here.” His voice jarred you out of your misery, and you looked up at him in surprise.

Levi couldn’t stop himself, not when you were looking at him like this. Eyes, still dewy from crying, widened as he closed the distance between the two of you. His arms drew your body to him, and as you tilted your head to look at him, he leaned down until your foreheads were touching.

It was as if the world paused for a brief moment of peace. In the flickering candlelight, a sense of happiness made its way through your heart. You felt as if you were safe and at home here, in Levi’s arms. Whether or not you felt this way because you were infatuated with him, a romance created by adrenaline and the daily fear of death, you didn’t care for now. Because Levi was here and it was going to be fine.

The warmth of his breath splayed over your lips, and the butterflies in your stomach took flight. And slowly he leaned down, capturing your lips with his. He softly cupped the side of your face as he held onto you. And his lips. His lips, usually pursed in a thin line and rarely curved in a smile, were soft and sweet. He tasted like black tea laced with honey, and you were intoxicated by him. A feeling of uncontrollable need for him surfaced in you, and it was frightening but thrilling.

And then, slowly, he drew away from you. His hand never leaving your face as you leaned into it. Your heart was beating wildly, and you couldn’t really sort through your emotions. One moment you were crying for the people that you lost and the next you felt like you had been swept off your feet.

“Hey, don’t cry again.” You looked up at Levi, and he looked like he was ready to grab the dirty cravat with his free hand and scrub your face raw. Chuckling slightly, you reached over to take his free hand, slipping your fingers in between his. "Don't worry, I don't think I will."

At ease, Levi looked at you. “I suppose we’ll have to talk about this eventually.”

“Eventually.” Not right now. No. What you wanted right now was Levi. And it seemed as though he read your mind.

Again, slowly, he kissed you, pulling you against him. Levi savored the feeling of your body against him, how you fit against him like a puzzle; a thought that would never see the light of day because like hell he would admit it. But he had to admit, if only to himself, that the soft glow of the candlelight made you look ethereal. He was a complicated man, an underground thug, a veritable killing machine, Humanity's Strongest, but when he was with you, he could be Levi. You were his spring day, his breath of fresh air.

Alone, in a world that was for that moment just for the two of you, neither of you heard the door swing open.

“Hey Shrimp! Have you seen (F/N)? I stopped by her room but it was…oh.”

It was a like a bucket of ice-cold water had been splashed into the room. Slowly, in absolute disbelief, you parted from Levi. Red-faced you turned to see Hanji gleefully looking at the two of you.

“I KNEW IT!” She jumped, fist pumped into the air shouting indiscernible gibberish as she did when she was overly excited.

Levi was quick to disentangle himself from you as he practically warped over to where Hanji was.

“Who the fuck opens someone’s door without knocking? What if I was changing you shitty four-eyed fuck?”

Hanji, probably used to avoiding Levi, was already running down the halls. “I don’t think what you were doing was changing Levi!”

Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair as he turned to look back at you. However, in your embarrassment, you had slid down and tried to hide yourself under the table. You had been in the Survey Corps for years now. You’ve had your share of embarrassing moments. Like the wires of the 3DMG getting tangled or forgetting to tuck in your shirt or falling asleep in the middle of a meeting. But this was on a whole other level. The one time you had given into your feelings, of course someone would walk in. And of course it had to be Hanji.

“(F/N).”

Still red-faced, you stayed rooted to the spot. What if someone else came by?

“Are you seriously doing this? I’m too old for this shit.”

Sighing, he crouched down to look you in your deep-crimson colored face.

“Do you have a fucking fever or something?”

You tried to think of something witty to say. Like: I have a fever for your body or something equally stupid. But your brain was not working at all.

“Aren’t you embarrassed? Hanji is going to tell everyone, and then people will come here and see everything.”

“Oh, I was unaware that we were putting on a fucking show for the entire Corps.” Levi spoke drily in contrast with your wavering and unfocused voice.

“Here.” He reached over and grabbed your hand, pulling you out from under the table. “Why the fuck are your hands so clammy? Did you piss over them or something?”

You glared at him, or tried to, but you probably looked more like a petulant child than an angry adult.

“Look, there’s no reason to do whatever the hell you’re doing. It’s Hanji. Name one person that takes Hanji seriously.”

You finally laughed a little, nodding. When it came to titans, Hanji was an expert. When it came to human interactions, Hanji was … well she wasn’t an expert.

“I guess you’re right. Maybe…Maybe we-”

He silenced you with his lips. “Go to bed. We’ll talk about it eventually.”

Blushing, but not from Hanji’s unexpected appearance, you shuffled out of Levi’s office, looking back at him.

* * *

You finally made it back to your own room, your thoughts and feelings all a mess. Sighing, you leaned against the door of your room, brushing your hair out of your face. Briefly, your fingers touched your lips and immediately, an electric feeling coursed through you. You couldn’t forget, probably would never forget, the feeling of Levi’s lips on yours.

“So is there some sort of physical significance in touching your lips? Is it a memory device? Does it help you relive your kiss?”

You yelped as your eyes adjusted to the dark, making out the outline of a person who could only be Hanji.

“What the hell Hanji?!” Your words had no bite to them as you fumbled around for a candle.

With light in the room, you glared at Hanji who was comfortably sitting against one of your chairs.

“So, (F/N), tell Mama Hanji what’s been going on between you and the shrimp.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a month to update T.T At first I was stuck on exams. And then I graduated. And then I was working on the chapter and just scrapped the whole thing. Originally I had it going steamy af, but then I was like...no. HAHA. Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed the update and toned down scene! As always please leave kudos/comments/suggestions.


	14. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cornered by Hanji, you slowly begin to confront your feelings for a certain ill-tempered Shrimp.

You were miserably staring at Hanji, slumped in a chair facing her. Unlike you, Hanji was beyond excited. The light of the candle glinted over her glasses, creating a thick glare that prevented you from actually reading the expression in her eyes. Overall, it was a frightening effect.

“So…”

“No Hanji.” 

Hanji pursed her lips, though not in discouragement because the woman could not understand what giving up felt like. Not when she got like this. 

“When I walked in-”

“No comment.”

Hanji leaned back in her chair, crossing her legs as she got comfortable and prepared for her interrogation. An involuntary shiver ran down your spine as you tried to figure out how to get out of your current situation. Maybe you could beat Hanji over the head and render her unconscious for the next 6 hours. Just long enough for you to get some sleep and hopefully give her amnesia.

“You know (F/N), you can’t keep avoiding my questions the entire night.”

You sighed. “You never know until you try.”  
  
“But talking is good for you, especially given what I witnessed.”

At the mere mention of what probably happened 30 minutes ago, you tried to focus on a very dirty vase in the corner of your room.

“I mean I had my suspicions, and I really did have a plan to find out, but you guys made it really easy for me!” Hanji beamed at you; happy, content, a shit-eating grin on her face.

“What do you mean suspicions?! This is literally the first time anything like this ever happened!” But even as the words left your mouth, you realized that you were lying. 

An unattractive snort sounded from Hanji. “I’ve known Levi longer than you have, and I know the kind of man he is.” Hanji adjusted her glasses as she looked back at you. “He wouldn’t be jumping you if there wasn’t something already there.”

“I wouldn’t characterize what happened as jumping me.”

“But you wished he was jumping you right?” You groaned audibly as Hanji waggled her eyebrows at you. 

“Come on (F/N). It’s ok to fantasize about these things. I know Levi is challenged in the height department, but he makes up for it. He’s all solid muscle, not too bad on the eyes, and you wouldn’t be the first woman that’s fallen for his looks.” Suddenly leaning a little too close to you and lowering her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, “Plus, he’s from the underground. Who knows what unholy but extremely satisfying things he can employ in the bedroom.” 

“Fucking walls.” You sighed in frustration. 

“Fucking is definitely right.” You didn’t know whether to laugh at Hanji or punch her in the face.

“Please leave me alone Hanji.” Sighing you hid your face behind your hands as Hanji cackled to herself. Deep down, you were hoping that if you couldn’t see her, Hanji would actually leave. 

No such luck. 

“(F/N), you need to talk about these things.” 

You shook your head, still hiding your face in your hands. Maybe, by some miracle, Hanji would be tired of messing with you and go to sleep. 

Again, no such luck. 

“I know you’ve been through a lot lately (F/N).” At the tone of her voice, you peeked out from behind your fingers. “I’m just worried about you.” 

The laughter was gone. So was the maniacal grin she had. In the place of Hanji the crazy scientist sat Hanji a close and trusted friend. 

“What about being caught in a compromising position with Levi is worrying?” 

There was a pause as Hanji seemed to be finding the right words. Hanji pausing was a rare act in itself. She was brilliant, impulsive, and something that eccentric could not fully describe. But there were times when Hanji was serious. Usually before an expedition or when a cadet wanted to give up on life or when everyone was too tired to keep going. Those were the times that Hanji paused to really hammer home a point. 

“It’s just that you’ve been hit really hard lately. You pretend you’re fine but I know you.” 

You looked down at your hands, trying to avoid Hanji’s eyes. 

“I don’t want to say that you’re emotionally compromised or fragile, but I can’t think of another way to say it.” 

“But what does that have to do with anything? I can still think, carry out my duties as a shitty as fuck squad leader, and somehow endear myself enough that Erwin doesn’t kick me out.” 

“(F/N), there’s not enough time in the night to slap sense into that thick head.” Hanji punctuated her point by exasperatedly sighing, which you were sure she was over-dramatizing.

“I’m worried about you. I’m worried that you’re doing something because emotionally you’re overwhelmed.” 

You knew why Hanji was here and really couldn’t be mad at her. This wasn’t the first time that she had looked out for you, and you were sure it wouldn’t be the last. 

“Hanji, I’m fine, really.” You gave her a small smile, hoping that it would be enough to get her to drop the issue. It wasn’t that she was wrong in asking the question. You just didn’t know what to actually say to her because you weren’t sure. 

“(F/N), I’m about 5 seconds from slapping you in the face with a titan’s arm. Stop the act. It’s just me.” 

“But don’t titan arms disappear after –” But the look Hanji gave you made you believe that she somehow figured out a way to preserve it. You weren’t trying to press your luck tonight. 

“There’s just not much to say.” You looked down at your fingers. “I don’t really know what to think about it.”

“Well that can’t possibly be true.” Hanji looked at you, gaze sharp. “There has to be some underlying feelings.”  
  
“Well, some might be an understatement.” For the second that you dropped your insecurities and sadness to focus on just Levi, it was as if a flood gate unleashed. Just thinking about his name called up images of his face, the rare smiles, the gentle way he took you into his arms, his biting sarcasm, and infinite poop jokes. 

“Well don’t hold back. You can’t smile to yourself and leave me out of it.”

You instinctively brought your fingers up, trying to hide the ghost of a smile on your lips. Was it possible that just the thought of him was enough to make you happy? Ridiculous. 

“I don’t – it’s not what you think it is.” 

“Yeah, and I don’t find titans to be the most intriguing things on this planet.” 

You laughed a little as you looked your friend in the face.

“I…I don’t dislike being with him.” 

Hanji rolled her eyes. “That’s how Erwin talks when he’s trying to persuade people not to cut funding for us. He gives zero information but pretends it’s earth shattering news.” She leaned in closer to you. “I want details. Dirty, clean, whatever you got. Preferably dirty.” 

You massaged your temples as you rolled your eyes. 

“Ugh, this is embarrassing Hanji.” 

“Think of it this way. The faster you tell me, the faster you can go to sleep.” It was a very tempting proposition.

“I – well being with Levi makes me comfortable.”

“Just comfortable?” The scientist quirked an eyebrow up as if it went against human nature to be merely comfortable with one another. 

“It’s this cozy sort of feeling.” You cut yourself before you could spill the cheesiest, most disgusting phrases to come out of your mouth. “When he isn't scowling at you, he can be pretty supportive.”  
  
Hanji grudgingly nodded her head. “But how does he make you comfortable? Does he feel you up? A squeeze here and there? A quick slip in and out?” 

As Hanji continued to list a myriad of activities that she thought was applicable, you could only shake your head slowly in horror. “Holy wall, we haven’t even done anything like that!”

“What? Really?” Hanji looked at you in confusion. “Well, I suppose it explains why your kiss seemed so chaste.” She settled back against her chair, lost in her musing. “You haven’t even seen him naked?” 

“Absolutely not.” You paused, narrowing your eyes at her. “Have you?” 

It was Hanji’s turn to ferociously shake her head. “As if Shorty would even let me! But…maybe for science I could…” 

There was a moment of silence before the both of you burst into laughter, gossiping as if you were two schoolgirls. 

“I’m not helping you when he chases you down with his blades.” 

“(Y/N). I’ve been successfully evading Levi for the entire time I’ve known him. I’ll be fine without your help.”

"I wonder what he does look like that though."

"You're obviously in the better position to find out." Hanji's eyebrows were wiggling most suggestively, but you couldn't help but laugh. "I'm going to guess he's pretty big. Goes with the macho personality." 

"But don't they say overly aggressive people act that way to make up for something?" Not that you wanted him to be small. Also why were you even talking about this with Hanji?

"He's making up for the height." She thought for a bit before inspiration hit her. "I'm going to need you to lock lips with him so I can determine how tight his pants get."

"What the fuck Hanji?" You rolled your eyes as her as you tried to get the mental image out of your head.

"It's all for science (F/N). Progress stops for no one." The both of you fell into laughter. As you were wiping tears from your eyes, Hanji went on the attack again.

“Now, stop hedging and fork over some more details.” Really, Hanji should get an award for how persistent she was.

“It’s not anything racy or steamy. It’s just little things here and there.” You wanted to stop there, but Hanji only stared back at you in anticipation of more words. 

Part of you didn’t want to tell her just because these were things between you and Levi. But when you thought about things in that way, a new reason emerged to keep it secret. Because once you admitted these things to Hanji, you couldn’t take them back. You couldn’t take back how Levi made you feel, about all the touches and the glances that made your heart race. And you were scared that this was all a cosmic joke; that only you were the one that felt this way. 

“(Y/N)?” 

You snapped out of your thoughts and looked over at Hanji. The woman who had no sense of boundaries or privacy. The woman who was crazy and loud and drove you insane. But also the woman who was your closest friend, who you knew that you could always depend on.

And you thought briefly about Petra. A friend that you once had the ability to gossip and confide in. What if one day the chair in front of you was empty? Or the man that you had feelings for didn’t return them because he no longer could? Maybe it would be OK to admit it to someone.

“It started as little touches here and there. A hold that was too long. A glance that was too intense. And then we talked, and I felt that everything I said he understood.” 

You rubbed your arm, a little embarrassed to be saying this. But Hanji was nodding as if she knew all along, as if she had secretly been spying on the both of you. A little voice in the back of your head said that she probably was spying on you.

“And when we were training the cadets, trying to make sure that we didn’t lose anyone, it was the flash of a genuine smile. Or he’d be a little more gentle, and he was just always there.” 

For a second, you could swear that Hanji looked like she was happy for you.

“And after the expedition, after…well, I felt like he opened up to me.” Levi was mysterious. An enigma to almost everyone except the people closest to him. “And every time he looks at me I feel like my heart wants to burst.”

“So you have a heart attack?”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just, I can feel my heart speeding up.”

Hanji folded her arms until her fingertips were touching, forming a triangle in front of her face. “So you get nervous around him. Do you feel feverish? Loss of breath? Dizziness?” 

“Well I wouldn’t say that I was physically sick –”

“Oh so you’re arouse then. Do you feel blood rushing to your head? Pupils dilate right? And you feel wet –” 

“Really Hanji?! I was trying to be serious here.” You had thrown a small book at her, which she easily dodged, cackling as she did so.

“Given what I saw when I opened the door. It seemed there were some stimulated subjects in that room.”

“S-stimulated subjects? We’re not your experiments Hanji.” You scowled at her, although Hanji was clearly enjoying herself. 

“Well, you’re not my experiments right now.” She cackled again, to which you frowned with a tinge of worry. 

“But, I’m glad.” 

“About what? Your future experiments?”

“Well, now that you mention them…” There was a pause as Hanji was ultimately torn over whether to complete her initial thoughts or explain what ways she could make your and Levi's life a living nightmare.

“Hanji.”

“I’ll tell you some other time then.” She smiled before starting to get up. “I’m just glad that you have someone you feel this way about. It seems so hopeless sometimes, that it’s easy to forget what we’re trying to fight for.”

You smiled softly as you watched Hanji going out the door.

“Have you talked to Levi about all of this?”

Shaking your head, “We were going to talk about it later.”

“I can help!” Hanji started running towards you in excitement. 

Jumping out of your seat, you hurriedly pushed her out the door. “NO!” You cleared your throat. “No. It’s fine Hanji, don’t worry about it.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“So sure. Why don’t you go to sleep, it’s a bit late.” It took all your strength to push her out the door and down the hall. You could hear her still mumbling to herself as you shut the door behind you. 

In the silence of your room, you slowly made your way to bed, deep in thought. Thoughts mostly of Levi and yourself. Mainly, you wondered if there was a point to all of this. Yes, a sort of happiness filled you when you were around him, and the way he held you made it seem as though the world you lived in wasn't infested with titans. And it didn’t hurt to have some physical contact, and Hanji was right, he was wickedly handsome. But you were in the middle of a war. Your fellow friends and comrades had all died or will probably die, and you could only question how appropriate it all was. 

But still, for now, you could at least enjoy that stupidly wonderful feeling of warmth as you thought about the foul-mouthed Captain.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the horrendously long delays in getting this chapter out. I am currently studying for my license, so this story is not on my priority list. However, I had some downtime, so I wanted to crank this out. 
> 
> It is a very Reader-emotion/thought-process heavy chapter, but I thought that it was something that had to be addressed before she could move further into her relationship with Levi. I mean you gotta acknowledge some feelings before you start something. I hope you enjoyed it (and Hanji). As always, please comment, give suggestions, and leave kudos!
> 
> ALSO, before I forget, I have created an email account for fanfics. You can send requests or whatever other comments you want to it, and I will try to answer/fulfill the requests. You can reach me at toyduck21@gmail.com (and it's in my profile)!


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